Parallel play leaks

I'm sorry I couldn't help you locate the box under a log
since I was the last person to visit
maybe not that log, a different one
in a park in the dark 13 miles away

I'm sorry you don't want me to be with you tonight
there are very good reasons we are sure
still the xxxchanges are encouraging
and our legend survives another day

I'm sorry you didn't understand about
the second drop, and felt you needed
to confirm it was a rogue snail
not mere pocket litter

We are all spies in this murky
house of suspicion and
meanwhile, there is the ongoing and
urgent situation in Minsk

Too precious to live

    I keep moving seats
elbows buddy elbows
    I keep moving seats
sir, do you have headphones some say earbuds?
it would appear not
    I keep moving seats
geezer's hoicking up a lung
    I keep moving seats
now we have a nutscratcher
with hairy legs akimbo
    I keep moving seats
maybe I should find this child charming but
he's doing my crust in poking my leg
    I keep moving seats
yes I enjoy listening to the sounds
of the bingo video game or like
whatever the fuck do you mind
    I keep moving seats

DeCeMbeR sTaTe 2024

(i)

Kim Kardashian is accused of copying Kanye West's wife Bianca Censori as she rocks balaclava and thong

    Why so many women are binge drinkers without even knowing it

        Ellen DeGeneres accused of 'infesting the Cotswolds' by Donald Trump ally

            I'm in a sexless marriage and can't remember the last time we made love. It's taboo to admit but I'm happy about it

                Janelle Monae shows off her incredible bikini body

Make this the first year your narcissist parents DON'T ruin Christmas!

    'Misogynistic, thoughtless and ancient': Ulrika Jonsson blasts Gregg Wallace

       Gwyneth Paltrow's daughter Apple Martin, 20, is accused of having a 'mean girl moment' at Paris debutante ball

            Priyanka Chopra steps out in a very leggy look

                Jodie Turner-Smith commands attention in plunging beaded gown with her hair in quirky bunches

(ii)

You won't want to miss this:

so-crazy-that-it-must-be-true crime caper

riveting docudrama which delves into the rivalry between Michelangelo, Leonardo and Raphael

there are appealing domestic scenes as Jacob learns slang and poo jokes from his six children

it captures all the jubilant anarchy of one of the world's greatest sports

glossy and gun-packed festive spy thriller

there's plenty of exposition to get through but its just about worth it

follows a gang of kids bored of their humdrum existence on the only safe world in the galaxy

and it features new music from Suffolk's finest, Ed Sheeran

(iii)

I was bitten by a spider – and nearly lost my leg
I was shot, and the bullet is still inside me
I gave birth at a Metallica concert
I died at a Cure concert
I've been to every country in the world
I was attacked by a wild boar while surfing
I do hair and makeup for the dead
I bake recipes I find on gravestones
I'm an 81-year-old crash‑test dummy
My dying wife found me a girlfriend
I graduated from art school at the age of 90
I woke up with a Welsh accent
We've visited more than 1,000 crazy golf courses
I'm 70 years old – and climb a mountain every day
A leech lived up my nose for a month
A tick gave birth in my ear
I was driving across a bridge when it collapsed
I survived a plane crash without a scratch
My sunglasses took my eye out
I didn't burp for more than 20 years
I've been on 25 TV gameshows
I went on 100 dates in a day
I've tried 50,000 beers
I'm Britain's 'dullest woman'
I play piano for rescued elephants
I'm a full-time Henry VIII impersonator
I own nearly 3,000 VHS tapes of Titanic
I invented the lickable TV
I can only paint in my sleep
I collect other people's old shopping lists
I run an online support group for people called Trevor
My football team lost 51-0
I was attacked by a bear while running a marathon
I was attacked by a snake and a hawk at the same time
My boyfriend lives with my husband
I'm a world champion pea thrower
I'm the toe-wrestling world champion
I'm a world champion stone skimmer
I've walked around London barefoot for a year
I ate a $120,000 banana
I opened the world's largest penis museum
I have the biggest mouth in the world
I have to spend my life lying horizontally
I let a baby bird nest in my hair for 84 days
I have collected more than 8,000 teapots
I got married underwater
I ate 40 rotisserie chickens in 40 days
I've eaten pizza every day for six years
I punctured my lung by eating cereal
My baby came out of my womb twice
I saved an elephant from drowning
I rescued a camel from quicksand

(iv)

Hunter's Moon brings people together in awe
'Incredibly rare' pygmy hippo born in Edinburgh
The eight-year-old who hands out goody bags to emergency services
Huge jumper keeps truck warm
'We've met up for a pint every month for 64 years'
Man's best friend is actually a duck, called Dog
Residents give 'fantastic' retiring postie £1,500
The babbling Scouse baby
Twin brothers clean up places no-one else will
Man eats mum's 22-year-old mince pie to celebrate Christmas

Lost diamond ring found almost 100 miles away
Girl, 3, lives her dream of becoming a firefighter
Wiltshire great-grandmother knits a wedding dress
Orkney island shop orders more Easter eggs than population
Boy, 10, wins photography prize with rock star squirrel
Farmer proposes by mowing 'marry me' into field
Retired shopkeeper becomes TikTok sensation
From Britain's 'ugliest' dog to Hollywood star
Grumpy gran aged 76 is global Fortnite gaming sensation
'Seagull Boy', nine, wins European screeching competition

(v)

Beige Flag - Side Quest - Sigma - Bussin
Mid - Skibidi - Delulu - Rizz
Vibing - Pander - Polarization - Brain Rot
Demure - Brat - Era - Situationship
Manifest - Simp - Romantasy - Lore
Dynamic Pricing - Slop - Rawdogging - Colesworth
Looksmaxxing - Supermajority - Fortnight - Yapping
Extreme weather - Anti-tourism - Resilience - Resonate
Allision - Weird - Enshittification - 金

147

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🔴⚫
🔴⚫
🔴⚫
🔴⚫
🔴⚫
🔴⚫
🔴⚫
🔴⚫
🔴⚫
🔴⚫
🔴⚫
🔴⚫

🟡 🟢 🟤 🔵 🟣 ⚫


Note: the lack of a proper pink ball emoji spoilt this quite honestly brilliant idea

🅰🎵🎵🅰 🅱👢⛎〽️🎗

⚽  🍸⚽⛎,  🅱🎗👢⚽✅🎗🌛  ⚽🎏  〽️🍸  🌴🔱🎗🎵🌴🍸-💲🎗✅🎗🎵  💲🎗🎵💲🎗💲,  🎐

👢⚽✅🎗  🍸⚽⛎🌱!

🍸⚽⛎  🍸⚽⛎🌱  🌴♓🎗🎗  🌴♓🎐🎵🎗,  🎐  🍸⚽⛎🌱,  🍸⚽⛎  〽️🎐🎵🎗.  --  🔱🎗?

🌴♓🎐💲  (🅱🍸  🌴♓🎗  🔱🅰🍸)  🎐💲  🅱🎗💲🎐🌛🎗  🌴♓🎗  🅿️⚽🎐🎵🌴.

🔱♓⚽  🅰🌱🎗  🍸⚽⛎,  ⛎🎵🌜⚽⛎🎵🌴🎗🌛  🔱⚽〽️🅰🎵?  🍸⚽⛎  🅰🌱🎗

--  🅰🌱🎗  🍸⚽⛎?  🅿️🎗⚽🅿️👢🎗  💲🅰🍸  🍸⚽⛎  🅰🌱🎗,  --  👢🎗🌴

🌴♓🎗〽️  💲🅰🍸  🎐🌴,  🌴♓🎗🍸  🌛⚽🎵'🌴  🎋🎵⚽🔱  ♓⚽🔱  🎐🌴  💲🌴🅰🎵🌛💲  🔱🎐🌴♓  ⛎💲.

🍸⚽⛎  🔱🎗🅰🌱  🍸⚽⛎🌱  ♓🎗🅰🌛  ⚽🎵  🍸⚽⛎🌱  🎏🎗🎗🌴  🅰🎵🌛  🔱🅰👢🎋  🅰🅱⚽⛎🌴

⚽🎵  🍸⚽⛎🌱  ♓🅰🎵🌛💲,  ⚽🎵  🍸⚽⛎🌱  ♓🅰🎵🌛💲  🍸⚽⛎  🔱🅰👢🎋.

♓🅰👢👢⚽⚽  🍸⚽⛎🌱  🌱🎗🌛  🌛🌱🎗💲💲,  💲👢🎐🌜🎗🌛  🎐🎵  🔱♓🎐🌴🎗  🅿️👢🎗🅰🌴💲.

🌱🎗🌛  🎐  👢⚽✅🎗  🅰🎵🎵🅰  🅱👢⛎〽️🎗,  🌱🎗🌛  🎐  👢⚽✅🎗  🍸⚽⛎🌱!  --  🍸⚽⛎

🍸⚽⛎🌱  🌴♓🎗🎗  🌴♓🎐🎵🎗,  🎐  🍸⚽⛎🌱,  🍸⚽⛎  〽️🎐🎵🎗.  --  🔱🎗?

🌴♓🎐💲  🅱🎗👢⚽🎵🌀💲  (🅱🍸  🌴♓🎗  🔱🅰🍸)  ⚽⛎🌴  🎐🎵  🌴♓🎗  🌜⚽👢🌛.

🌱🎗🌛  🅱👢⚽⚽〽️,  🌱🎗🌛  🅰🎵🎵🅰  🅱👢⛎〽️🎗,  🔱♓🅰🌴  🌛⚽  🅿️🎗⚽🅿️👢🎗  💲🅰🍸?

🅿️🌱🎐💤🎗  🍳⛎🎗💲🌴🎐⚽🎵:  1.  🅰🎵🎵🅰  🅱👢⛎〽️🎗  ♓🅰💲  🅰  💲🌜🌱🎗🔱  👢⚽⚽💲🎗.

                                              2.  🅰🎵🎵🅰  🅱👢⛎〽️🎗  🎐💲  🌱🎗🌛.

                                              3.  🔱♓🅰🌴  🌜⚽👢⚽🌱  🎐💲  🌴♓🎗  💲🌜🌱🎗🔱?

🅱👢⛎🎗  🎐💲  🌴♓🎗  🌜⚽👢⚽⛎🌱  ⚽🎏  🍸⚽⛎🌱  🍸🎗👢👢⚽🔱  ♓🅰🎐🌱.

🌱🎗🌛  🎐💲  🌴♓🎗  🌴♓🌱🎗🅰🌛  ⚽🎏  🍸⚽⛎🌱  🌀🌱🎗🎗🎵  💲🌜🌱🎗🔱.

🍸⚽⛎  💲🎐〽️🅿️👢🎗  🌀🎐🌱👢  🎐🎵  💲🎐〽️🅿️👢🎗  🌛🌱🎗💲💲,  🍸⚽⛎  🌛🎗🅰🌱

🌀🌱🎗🎗🎵  🅰🎵🎐〽️🅰👢.  🎐  👢⚽✅🎗  🍸⚽⛎🌱!  🍸⚽⛎  🍸⚽⛎🌱  🌴♓🎗🎗  🌴♓🎐🎵🎗,  🎐

🍸⚽⛎🌱,  🍸⚽⛎  〽️🎐🎵🎗.  --  🔱🎗?

🌴♓🎐💲  🅱🎗👢⚽🎵🌀💲  (🅱🍸  🌴♓🎗  🔱🅰🍸)  🎐🎵  🌴♓🎗  🅰💲♓🌜🅰🎵.

🅰🎵🎵🅰  🅱👢⛎〽️🎗!  🅰🎵🎵🅰,  🅰-🎵-🎵-🅰,  🎐  🌴🌱🎐🌜🎋👢🎗  🍸⚽⛎🌱

🎵🅰〽️🎗.  🍸⚽⛎🌱  🎵🅰〽️🎗  🌛🌱🎐🅿️💲  👢🎐🎋🎗  💲⚽🎏🌴  🌴🅰👢👢⚽🔱.

🌛⚽  🍸⚽⛎  🎋🎵⚽🔱  🎐🌴,  🅰🎵🎵🅰,  🌛⚽  🍸⚽⛎  🎋🎵⚽🔱  🅰👢🌱🎗🅰🌛🍸?

🍸⚽⛎  🌜🅰🎵  🅱🎗  🌱🎗🅰🌛  🎏🌱⚽〽️  🅱🎗♓🎐🎵🌛,  🅰🎵🌛  🍸⚽⛎,  🍸⚽⛎

👢⚽✅🎗👢🎐🎗💲🌴  ⚽🎏  🅰👢👢,  🍸⚽⛎  🅰🌱🎗  🎏🌱⚽〽️  🅱🎗♓🎐🎵🌛  🅰💲  🍸⚽⛎  🅰🌱🎗

🎏🌱⚽〽️  🌴♓🎗  🎏🌱⚽🎵🌴:  "🅰-🎵-🎵-🅰."

🌴🅰👢👢⚽🔱  🌴🌱🎐🌜🎋👢🎗💲  💲⚽🎏🌴👢🍸  ⚽✅🎗🌱  〽️🍸  🅱🅰🌜🎋.

🅰🎵🎵🅰  🅱👢⛎〽️🎗,  🍸⚽⛎  🌴🌱🎐🌜🎋👢🎗  🅱🎗🅰💲🌴,  🎐  👢⚽✅🎗  🍸⚽⛎🌱!

J̴a̴r̴v̴a̴r̴i̴o̴u̴s̴ ̴H̴a̴r̴d̴i̴n̴g̴ ̴w̴o̴u̴l̴d̴ ̴l̴i̴k̴e̴ ̴t̴o̴ ̴v̴i̴e̴w̴ ̴y̴o̴u̴r̴ ̴c̴a̴l̴e̴n̴d̴a̴r̴

S̴t̴e̴p̴ ̴i̴n̴t̴o̴ ̴y̴o̴u̴r̴ ̴c̴r̴e̴a̴t̴i̴v̴i̴t̴y̴ ̴b̴o̴l̴d̴l̴y̴!
W̴e̴'r̴e̴ ̴l̴a̴u̴n̴c̴h̴i̴n̴g̴ ̴a̴n̴ ̴e̴x̴c̴i̴t̴i̴n̴g̴ ̴g̴i̴v̴e̴a̴w̴a̴y̴ ̴t̴h̴a̴t̴ ̴s̴h̴i̴n̴e̴s̴
a̴ ̴s̴p̴o̴t̴l̴i̴g̴h̴t̴ ̴o̴n̴ ̴s̴e̴l̴f̴-e̴x̴p̴r̴e̴s̴s̴i̴o̴n̴ ̴a̴n̴d̴ ̴i̴m̴a̴g̴i̴n̴a̴t̴i̴o̴n̴!
T̴h̴i̴s̴ ̴g̴i̴v̴e̴a̴w̴a̴y̴ ̴i̴s̴ ̴d̴e̴s̴i̴g̴n̴e̴d̴ ̴f̴o̴r̴ ̴t̴h̴e̴ ̴d̴r̴e̴a̴m̴e̴r̴s̴—a̴r̴t̴i̴s̴t̴s̴,
m̴u̴s̴i̴c̴i̴a̴n̴s̴, ̴a̴n̴d̴ ̴w̴r̴i̴t̴e̴r̴s̴ ̴w̴h̴o̴ ̴b̴r̴i̴n̴g̴ ̴i̴m̴a̴g̴i̴n̴a̴t̴i̴o̴n̴ ̴t̴o̴ ̴l̴i̴f̴e̴!
C̴r̴e̴a̴t̴i̴v̴e̴ ̴g̴o̴o̴d̴i̴e̴s̴ ̴a̴r̴e̴ ̴o̴n̴ ̴t̴h̴e̴ ̴l̴i̴n̴e̴, ̴a̴n̴d̴ ̴e̴n̴t̴e̴r̴i̴n̴g̴ ̴f̴o̴r̴ ̴y̴o̴u̴r̴
c̴h̴a̴n̴c̴e̴ ̴t̴o̴ ̴s̴n̴a̴g̴ ̴t̴h̴e̴m̴ ̴i̴s̴ ̴a̴ ̴w̴a̴l̴k̴ ̴i̴n̴ ̴t̴h̴e̴ ̴p̴a̴r̴k̴! ̴
Y̴o̴u̴r̴ ̴s̴a̴f̴e̴t̴y̴ ̴a̴n̴d̴ ̴p̴r̴i̴v̴a̴c̴y̴ ̴a̴r̴e̴ ̴o̴u̴r̴ ̴t̴o̴p̴ ̴c̴o̴n̴c̴e̴r̴n̴s̴!

T̴i̴c̴k̴-t̴o̴c̴k̴! ̴T̴h̴e̴ ̴c̴l̴o̴c̴k̴ ̴i̴s̴ ̴t̴i̴c̴k̴i̴n̴g̴, ̴a̴n̴d̴ ̴y̴o̴u̴ ̴h̴a̴v̴e̴
j̴u̴s̴t̴ ̴2̴4̴ ̴h̴o̴u̴r̴s̴ ̴t̴o̴ ̴j̴o̴i̴n̴! ̴S̴a̴f̴e̴t̴y̴ ̴f̴i̴r̴s̴t̴!
Y̴o̴u̴r̴ ̴t̴r̴a̴n̴s̴a̴c̴t̴i̴o̴n̴s̴ ̴a̴r̴e̴ ̴u̴n̴d̴e̴r̴ ̴l̴o̴c̴k̴ ̴a̴n̴d̴ ̴k̴e̴y̴,
s̴o̴ ̴y̴o̴u̴ ̴c̴a̴n̴ ̴d̴i̴v̴e̴ ̴i̴n̴ ̴w̴i̴t̴h̴o̴u̴t̴ ̴a̴ ̴c̴a̴r̴e̴!

K-holes, 25 years apart

I visited the toilets at Stevenage railway station on the morning of
[checks] the Electric Woodlands festival
    I had my own perfectly normal agenda
    and you can fuck right off if you're thinking it
    was rude or illegal. Anyway the point is, in the next cubicle
I heard a young fellow say to his friend -

"Mate I can't feel my legs, they've gone all numb I can't get up"

"You're so fucked. What do you think it is"

"I think it's all that ketamine I took this morning"

"Right yeah, that'll do it. You're so fucked"

"I think I'll be all right if you can sort me though yeah"

"The coke's for later though yeah"

"Yeah but I can't stand up right now"

What a day that was
I broke my steps record

* * * * * 

I had one of those early morning phone calls
and was ready to leave the house
when she appeared at the door, her eyes
a million black holes

"Am I home now, is it you?

"You're home. Yes it's me. You don't look great"

"I think it's all that ketamine I took last night"

"Last night was a long time ago, it's 6am now"

"Yes yes. But you never need to worry about me"

"You can take care of yourself"

"I can take care of yourself. Don't know how I got back"

"Right, well I've got to go home now"

"So soon, so early. What happened"

What a day that was
I don't know how to end this one