fat wub
oscillator 1
fat wub
dirty saw or sine wave
fat wub
phase 12 minus
fat wub
assign an LFO
fat wub
saturation
fat wub
compression
fat fat wub
apply a tube distortion
fat fat wub
bring out the high-end crunch
fat fat wub
specific plugin chains
fat fat wub
exact knob settings
fat fat wub
shape the low and high ends
fat fat wub
push drive and resonance to add grit
fat wub
serum!
fat wub
vital!
fat wub
wobble!
All the lame ducks were swimming in the waters of your mucky wake
So you became the magnetic collector of hamstrung mallardians
Claimed you never meant to hook them off the dusty shelf
Then why did you travel to the lonely fairground
You pleaded you didn't mean to lead them down those dead end paths
But did you not hover around their nesting grounds
Did you not breed a feeble trail of crumbs
To keep them waddling deeper down the narrows
Please perverted piper don't deny how you trapped them
In the oily waters of your filthy slipstream
No time to wipe them clean or listen to their wounds
Or even scoff at their lame and injured quackeries
Kid yourself you were only waiting
for the golden goose
and the magic egg
and the holy barnyard
After being fully cured of brain weevils
his brave and tortured feet trod meaningfully if not
magnificently towards the shopping mall
ready at last for the arcade of abundance
When a dancing sphere not quite
lighter than air but certainly greener and fatter
bounced along the road beside him
he recognised a portent as well as the next ape
Should he adopt it, or release it
back into the nearest ocean?
It swerved into the road and survived strikes
from not one but two vehicles before
silently popping beneath a third
It was certainly like something but what
Holding his cigarette between his transition to
working again in book was asked by
every like champagne in celebration of the fabric
of the surveyor unafraid and generous
and beyond them him to
understand optics master for joy
Some years later to get in contact with David the long
email chain to invite him to make a stained mythical
mythical awestruck utterly working in book
mythical 1980s Hollywood Thanksgiving
insatiably voraciously curiously
assured master for joy
There have been few eyes
they are brown
because days going
resolved by thinking Deans in the end
brother Ptolemy appointed as David came to see
a guided three piece suit
and after that we became friends
Rufus in his school play of the hawthorn
bushes exploding my glass window
and in Yorkshire the hedgerows
To film David smoking his young self
took a bit of convincing but in the end
a glass window like champagne in celebration
in surveyor of the fabric of
platinum David invited to make a stained Yorkshire
he resolved by thinking of
the long email chain the guided hedgerows
the blue greater pleasures of his poorly space
Some years later Ptolemy appointed
his native contact with David in Cabaret
of the hawthorn bushes exploding if he knew
the then Dean Abbey in honour of paint yourself
was asked by Rufus in his school play
was asked by scientists in their technologies
Our family maxim "Inspiration she does just had
his 11th birthday"
Rufus in his three piece school play
Yorkshire a stained bore and
Westminster Abbey asked by the hawthorn bushes
to fetch a canvas dressed parents
exploding he resolved by thinking
brother Ptolemy newly guided like
our son Rufus like champagne in celebration
took a bit of convincing to invite him like
our son Rufus like champagne curiosity
To make fabric of the email chain
some years later in honour of the hedgerows
if he knew how to get the Abbey or how
to get in contact with the Queen's Platinum David
https://www.theguardian.com/artanddesign/2026/jun/12/david-hockney-remembered-artists-rachel-whiteread-jeremy-deller
https://cutuptechnique.com/
At the height of its elevation it looked six years old
At the height of its immolation it was nearly ten
At the depths of its dependence it had a mental impairment
At the depths of its ascendance it flourished as malnourished
The chosen child chose to be covered in sores
In the light of its destiny it was locked in the darkest cellar
In the light of its destiny it lived in the world's richest city
In the dark of its promise it lived on sawdust and scraps
In the dark of its promise it sat in its own sacred filth
The chosen child rejoiced in its sores
It huddled it hid it cringed in the corner
Living under the threats of being cleansed and living in sunlight
Leads to the memory of its womb figure's voice and the
life-not-lived, as it squeaked "I will be good. Please let me out"
She took the big plunge
I accompanied for the encouragement
the ice dive no wetsuit surface breaker
the local name escapes me
We walk back to the camp
She's shivering she's shaking but
- Don't touch me
The others, the fire mob
snort and scoff - Is it even
real if you didn't film it
That's when I started to untie the antique harpoon
from the wall
She shook her frosty curls like - Enough
of your nonsense
She'd undertaken the big dipper
and was free from us all
He's just a normal dude who rides the bus
looking for signs like a regular guy
a stand-up sit-down scum of the earth type
I'm talking about myself in case. Now
Scratched on the seat in front are
new clues
I need your help to decode
1. Dara is a freshie
2. Nom is a Godod
Reply, reply. I await your device
He decided to hang up his darts
bin the arrows for good now
the line and length had gone down the dumper
Now the friendly pub banter had evolved into
mean-spirited barracking. They called
him an itchy twitcher, a wobble lobber, the
pant-wetting double dropper
Profanity had become
their lingua franca
Plus they crowded him. He could smell
the Monster Munch on their breath
'It's only the Weekend League Barry'
Also the fuzzy carpet triggered his
heart arrhythmia and tunnel vision
'It's only the Fox & Hounds Over 50s Baz'
Yes it was time to throw his arrows
down the well of amnesia
Also, being paid for a victory in ale
was an insult to a teetotaller
'You were so insulted you drank it anyway'
I am a fish, and I am swimming
under a boat and I see a tasty
looking worm hanging from a hook,
should I eat it?
Swim away immediately!
That 'tasty' worm is trap called bait on spike.
You know spike? Ouch sharp metal demon
set by human, you know human right?
Your dad called them 'land monkeys'
If you nibble, a sharp metal hook
will pierce your pretty mouth,
and you risk being yanked out of the water
into a dry, oxygen-less environment. How will
you like that, hint not much Nemo. Snagged.
Glug glob choke. Become someone dinner.
Listen to your fishy instincts. Look
for shadows above, a ghostly wriggle.
Even if human is intend to let you go,
the trauma, scale loss, and injury from hook
can result in perfect lousy day
and make you easy prey
for bigger potatoes to fry.
Keep swimming fishfolks. Look for
real foraging grounds near structure and weeds.
Be smart, live long and shapeshift away.
You're not lazy - your brain is experiencing
functional freeze. I am lazy. And frozen.
You know everything you need to do
I do not know everything I need to do
but you cannot physically start. This
much is true. Starting a new routine every two
weeks I can start sometimes I can't stop
getting obsessed with a system but abandoning it
overnight. Wait what system. If you're struggling.
Yes I am struggling.
All human life is struggling.
You're not broken. Yes I am.
You're just stuck.
You're not broken. No I'm not.
You're just stuck. You're say you're not broken.
But what if I am. What if. You're just stuck.
You're not broken. No you're not.
What if. You just suck.
We all used to see him parading
along Oxford Street. The
full-time human billboard "Protein Man"
who campaigned for the suppression of desire
who wished to dampen the libido by
the adoption of low-protein diet
He had porridge for breakfast
he advised against SITTING
ate steamed vegetables and pulses
prepared on a Bunsen burner
munched through a pound of apples a day
Stanley Green, known for
dietary-reform activism
Stanley Green, pamphleteer
and pedestrian
Can I help - hey!
She gripped my hand fiercely but I clung on to my phone.
No! No! I won't let you. She attempted to prise it from my grasp.
She didn't speak but grappled with determination as I writhed and dipped.
I hoped she didn't have a weapon such as a cosh or a metal comb.
It's only worth a fiver. That was my catchphrase.
Then give! She hissed, continuing to prise.
To my dismay I was taken up by her leather jacket
and bleached blonde hair, although her face
was brittle and shiny as a lemon moon.
I turned my back to her but she wrapped her
rabbit arm around my neck, and I inhaled the leather.
Still I wouldn't submit.
You're. Not. Getting it.
(It had all my bird photos on it.
Over 200 different species.)
Stop wriggling.
I was an accomplished wriggler. Had been all my life.
I lifted the phone high. Look the screen's cracked, it's years out of date.
A new tactic. She kneed me vigorously in the quadriceps.
It had been 40 years since victim of dead leg.
She was still prising. My eyes watered a little, I will admit.
But now it was time to activate frenzy mode. The haystack,
the tornado. It was going to get messy.
You. Will. Not. Take. Me.
The instant she started tearing
gleefully at the wrapping
paper I knew I had made
a terrible mistake but it was too late now.
- I'm so sorry.
- What is this?
It was a big red model train.
- It's a big red model train. Can we pretend this never happened.
- Why would you give this to me on our anniversary?
She trembled with the insult, the assault.
- I don't know what I was thinking, I'm so ashamed.
- If you want to play with trains that's up to you.
- I think I may have to kill myself.
- Don't be flippant.
- I'm being completely serious.
(We would both be better off if I was dead.)
The big red train sat on the carpet.
It was bigger and redder than I remembered.
Twice as big. Twice as red.
And I didn't want to play with it.
1. A Glowing High-Frequency Sky
2. Overlapping Overtone "Ladders"
3. Acoustic Tremor and Phase Canyons
4. The High-Frequency Shift
I was a perso at that point
not a coyote jack
hang wait on a min wait hang on
woo woo do you have hooves
don't come stomp in like that
we have stove to care fore
a pike and staff too less portent
still over the broom and never mind let's
recount three four five four you can
consider not you as a perso(n)
correct not correct
We've been through this, we are less
less than human thus less than humane
a critter substantially inhabiting the
confounded murky realm between
werewolf and vampire yet possessed
of entire diff genetic, don't worry
pretty so yr so-called head
One day soon don't laugh I/we/you will
fall in the water, not to break the ice
but because of matchstick century+++ leg###
century+++ leg### please read again
don't try to understand, and insult
or pretend of bone density for
the unborn, unforgiven, unbegotten
Drama? You like to raise drama now
sad point is we stuffed ancien dummies
are cellular incapable of revenge
stuck in centurial subspace
such then tech. escape hatch
plus then such oxygen deficit
As the end of my sessions drew near
it came into my head which I had learned
was poorly wired and liable to misfire
to present my patient
counsellor with a token of my gratitude
For having listened to so many
weeks of my moaning and whining,
not to mention the groaning and wailing.
Pressed for time I ducked into
the supermarket and grabbed the first substantial
item that manifested itself to me
Clutched it to my chest like a newborn
and hobbled along to the clinic.
And that is how I handed over
a 5kg sack of specialty potatoes
To Ms Piper while muttering my sweaty thanks
and suppressing the realisation I'd
neglected to pay for them.
She nodded and remarked that
across different cultures and historical eras,
the potato has shifted from an ancient agrarian deity
to a modern-day metaphor for quiet strength and grounding
and thus was an appropriate and touching gift
Furthermore as a symbol of survival,
regeneration, and steadfast resilience
it signified that our work here was done.
I was at the loosest of ends
the people had voted for me to be
his official biographer
so that was how I ended up in his bedroom
the creaking zone
Walls stained with
scribblings none could decipher
daubed in crayon or soup while
bulbs swung bare from leather cords
His modest residence occupied and undecorated
for 25 years. The neighbours say he kept
himself to himself but reported
wives numbers one and two were really quite chatty
He himself sat smoking in the garden, hunched
over and hammering at a typewriter at all hours
while his cats prowled and brought tributes
Yes we had a serving hatch
a hole in the wall between kitchen and dining room
for effective meal delivery, a
portal architecturally
known as a passthrough and
Great fun to climb through as a child
Maybe once as a bored adult when
no one was home
See also climbing over the baluster at the top of the stairs
and jumping onto the landing without bashing your head against
the wall or breaking an ankle
You had to make your own entertainment
But to return to the serving hatch
a feature particularly associated with the 1970s
along with the hostess trolley
Ours didn't have windows
or doors you could close
so when I was making
coffee in the kitchen that morning
I couldn't help but see
the shape
of the body
of my father
through the hatch
in the hospital bed
in the back room
where he spent his final night
Yes we had a serving hatch
Walking down Wardour Street one grey morning
on such a gloomy mundane day
hay hay, hay hay, hay hay
hee hee, hee hee, hee hee
On my way to work, I was late or
early no one cared not now or then
and when: nineteen ninety six
A figure walked, a denim jacketed fig
raw and majestic famed and aflame
of face set up against the cloud
He stopped
turned around
seemed confused
it's him, it's definitely him he looks lost
of course he does but now he's
strutting languidly
towards Oxford Street
Some call him Moz, I would not
dare be so familiar certainly
not speak to him, or even
listen to him these days
I hope that's the correct response
You guys would be surprised at how many
people just sit in their house.
That's it. That's their life.
These people just sit in their houses all day. They
don't go outside, just stay in their house.
Such a preference can be a valid lifestyle
choice rather than a lack of ambition.
Drawbacks such as reduced sunlight
can impact sleep cycles and physical well-being.
But people are annoying.
Honestly, I just find people exhausting
even when they are perfectly nice and cordial
all that having to fake nicey-nicey.
Some people
can stay inside
their house
for a whole week
without going anywhere,
and it doesn't
bother them at all.
I've worked very hard to build a
comfortable life in a comfortable home.
Also, people are annoying.
My house is where all my things are
and I like my things.
I'm an introvert and all my hobbies
can be done from the comfort of my room.
People are persistent irritants
personal space invaders and
social allergens.
And I don't have to put pants on.
Don't discount optimal arousal theory
I'm happy peaking in the moderate zone
if that's all right with you.
Why go on a cruise or go to a theme park?
You can just stay at home
and watch videos on YouTube.
Plus, people are annoying.
It's completely fine to limit your exposure
protect your boundaries
have a five-minute vent
check your tank and
focus on the core circle.
It's too cold outside
and I have massive social anxiety.
I'm late and head into an unknown shop
Been in the business the drinking
business for 40 years now and still don't
know what or which wine to buy, but in a
spirit of light-heartedness have lately taken
to purchasing bottles based on
amusing labels or names
Thus select a Merlot
featuring an illustration of
the Secretary Bird
which tickles the proprietor
Ah this Secretary Bird is
a vicious bastard sir you know
it kills the snake, it rips
and kicks and stomps
you never want to meet one
an absolute devil!
Eight pound ninety nine.
{whispers} in poorly
ventilated
environments
I got black mold
Got it all day long
Breathe in those mycotoxins
With mild to moderate symptoms
I got black mold
Got it all night long
Slimy, dark green, black patch
Red eye, skin rash, headache
I got black mold
And I'm never gonna lose it
You should hire a professional remediator
Condensation, leaks, and rising damp
{subliminal} Stachybotrys chartarum
I got black mold
Any old way you choose it
I'm coughing and sneezing
Got the asthma and the wheezing
Cos I'm full of black mold
Yes I'm loving that mold
It is NOT okay to constantly disassociate
and listen to music all day.
Extreme programming. I swear this
is one of the worst habits our newer gens have
I used to do it a lot growing up because
I wanted badly to escape everything
As I grew up I came to appreciate the quietness
with the background sound of the world
because I just learned to be ok with
being present in my body
& not in some dreamland that's
conjured up by a song
100 percent agree. Our ears are
one of the ways our bodies naturally absorb
the ambient energy
in the world. Constantly plugging your ears
is cutting your connection to the world
Just slop munching the whole time lol
Music, like drugs, needs to be respected.
Overdoing it is disrespectful
to both oneself and the music
Due to a fear disorder
that I developed I have been listening to
music nonstop since 2020.
There has not been a silent moment for me ever since
but for the first time in ever it might have gotten
1% better I'm able to handle near silence
for a few seconds sometimes
I adore music
Low on wardrobe I sported
running shorts and
a maroon cardigan borrowed
from Izzy the physiotherapist
Weak of belly I swerved the barbecue
but felt compelled to accept a
boogie with the
resident ladyboy(s) as the
band played international hits. Shots followed
rapido the girls became hazy jigsaws
Andy from Leeds drones on about The Beach
and wasabi peas as I observe:
The band are hairy hobbits
who look like they'd rather be playing
thrash metal
and as the club empties out
they launch into a furious medley of Sabbath riffs
Ha ha see! I exclaim to
nobody as my tempo companions
have retreated to the huts
Time passes, wardrobes malfunction
and a bottle of Mekhong is
being passed around by the pool
Izzy and Sal suggested skinny
dipping and sipping - will
the adventure never end
Six stars and stripes, two golf balls
(96 bags of human urine, feces, and vomit)
and now they put a steam train on the moon
I ask who the pilot and where the water
what coalmine and Atmosphäre even
In the past now gratefully
was tiger in my conservatory
was bee house in my speedboat
Now lean in, as I lean in
and ask about the steam
train on the moon
Can see though telescope?
Mr Johnson and his lunar deck
much still to unpack
It looks like somebody searched for your phone number
Carlee has searched for you
The unlock key is 1494
It looks like someone has searched for your birth name
Marlene has searched for you
Your unlock code is 5289
It appears somebody searched for you by pictogram
Aisha searched for you Lee
The passcode is 6397
It appears somebody has searched for you by spectrography
Mercedes searched for you Lee yes just for you
Your personal unlock code is 1065
Elliptical phone calls
semantic evacuation
a deviant under the bridge
radical abundance
They're coming for you
if only they could be bothered
Oops, something went wrong
Don Filey attacked me! Through
the window pincers first, bite
me it won't even leave a mark
I was listening to dungeon synth
I was so toned and harvest
Arrests #1-50
stalking therapy
the red bullied foot
lasagne push face
Oops, something went wrong
Of ticker dodge
of knee knack
of gut busted
Wear your rubber ring
down Upper Street, bounce into
the C19th vulcanized
street haunter scene
Comic routine = disloyalty
from Albania to Suburbia
rescued from dental floss
oy mister my hair plugs
Don Filey attacked me! In the bath
with my knives even, my watery
ghost couldn't save me
Oops, something went wrong
The sebaceous cyst
the blizzard of humdrum
call up the versificator
the namedropping shame
Peppermint t-movie
a pure revenge tribute
exhaustion, retribution
100 eyes for an eye
Oops, something went wrong
Why
don't
you
tell
me
any
thing
I was collating my top 1000 towers
in a bespoke scrapbook
in preparation for the Grand Reading
when my associate alerted me to
a recently discovered and
hitherto unknown video of
a Dylan performance from 65
He sat at a piano shades on besuited
rocking back and forth hammering
the keys and singing
"Hash cigarette
gonna buy me a hash cigarette
gonna find me a hash cigarette
better belieeeve it, gonna
smoke me a hash cigarette"
No wonder this was never released even
on one of them bootleg series, my associate sneered
as I started to hum along
and beckoned for the glue stick
In the bars and on the beaches
they don't talk about
defrocked teachers or
defragged preachers
While down in the Poconos
no one talks any more
of bimbos, himbos and hoboes
oh where did they all go go
So down in the ground
and lost to the earth
few will lament
so so little of worth
01 [Axiom] Under the heavy beam of the eye, the thing bends.
02 [Axiom] Prolonged scrutiny creates a shivering in the marrow.
03 [Axiom] A foundational concept within Ephemeral Studies.
04 To look closely is to force a spontaneous reorganization.
05 Eli Holloway (1897) tracks the migratory pattern of quavering moths.
06 He watches the sudden fog turn into something else entirely.
07 Monograph: "The Unsettled State: Observations on Ontological Flicker."
08 The target phenomenon feels the weight of the glass lens.
09 The target phenomenon accelerates its own decay to escape.
10 Whether through direct sensory input or sophisticated measuring devices.
11 The more you pin down the moment, the more it wriggles free.
12 Active resistance dressed up as passive melting.
13 The observed simply *will not* be observed in peace.
14 Consider the lunar periwinkle, blooming in the dark.
15 Bring the chronometric spectrometer near, and it wilts early.
16 Consider the pocket dimensions in the Upper Peloponnesian attic.
17 They collapse into dust upon the activation of the recording apparatus.
18 The Holloway Institute calls this "observational implosion."
19 To see a thing clearly, you must look away from it.
20 Researchers employ empathetic mirroring - sensing rather than seeing.
21 Auto-epistemology: knowing only when you forget you are knowing.
22 The practical difficulty is retaining the ephemerality.
23 Once verified, it is merely catalogued.
24 A shadow of its former capricious self.
25 Dr. Wilhelmina Crangle (1912) watches the shadows harden into facts.
26 Prof. Arnold Fickle blames the inadequate instrumentation.
27 He claims it is observer bias, not a flaw in reality.
28 But Dr. Penelope Shimmer watches the baseline shake.
29 The fluid nature of existence demands a shifting metric.
30 The eye is a hammer; the world is a pane of glass.
31 [Axiom] The fluid nature of existence rejects the anchor.
32 Halupedia studies require a methodology built on smoke.
33 The apparatus itself functions as an accidental weapon.
34 To name the transient state is to sign its death warrant.
35 The consistent, albeit frustrating, applicability of the law.
36 Reality refuses to pose for its photograph.
37 Pre-recorded sensory probes capture only the cold exit wound.
38 The core principle remains a beautifully broken compass.
39 We stand in the attic, holding breath to save the dimension.
40 [Axiom] The universe blinks back only when we close our eyes.
Source: Halupedia
Daddy does spaghetti face
it's that time again when daddy
starts making his spaghetti face and
we all know what that means
- Who's excited for Daddy's special spaghetti sauce?!
The answer is we are louder WE ARE
yes we really are so excited
oh daddy don't make that disappointed face
we do so want your spaghetti cooked to
perfection in the special salted water
at the precise temperature in the special pot
with a knob of butter salted and another secret
sprinkle we're not permitted to witness
Dear daddy with your special sauce that only you know
how to make and everyone agrees is the best
the richest the tastiest daddy sauce
no we're not making a face we look forward
to this day once a year when mummy
goes away for a little rest
Sharpied on the bus shelter
"I'm marrying her!
Colin ❤️❤️ LeeLee!"
Sharpied on a temporary hoarding
"MrZed + Pindee 👑
Making Sweet Music!!!"
The four-star hotel
was called Martial Cats
And we arrived just in time
to see the parade
Ten to 12 serious cats
marched around the reception
with their miniature
instruments, tooting
and parping a filthy but charming
form of feline jazz
Merlin the sassy pig
helped me meet my husband
I had a pig obsession
one day I'd have a pig
Merlin my mini
Vietnamese pot-bellied pig
in our home in Sacramento, California
I started training him
to spin, shake and high-five
His favourite foods are fruits
– apples, watermelons and bananas
Merlin has taught me so much
He likes to wear a propeller cap
He has millions of fans
across the world
Great news! You've been chosen to receive
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Yes you've been chosen to receive
a YETI Beach Lounge Wagon,
carefully selected just for you.
This exclusive item - your YETI
Beach Lounge Wagon - is our way of saying
thank you for your support and engagement.
We hope you enjoy your YETI Beach Lounge Wagon
and continue to stay connected with us.
They're having quite a night of it
dog fox lording it on the
roof of not my car
skittering, scampering
hiding behind wheels
[come on do the voices]
SKREEE—eee—EEE!!!
yaaAAAH—eeeeee!!… ee—EE—EE!!
KYA—A—A—A—A!!! (↓) … ee… ee…
skriii—YAAAH!! skriii—YAAAH!!
EEE-EEE-EEE-EEE!!! (ee! ee! ee!)
- Guys, I say, like come on,
guys, we all have to be
yip… yip-yip… yeeeep…
eeeeh—yip?… yip…
trrriip… yip… yip…
ppppprrrih… rrrih… yip…
...up in the morning
yip—yip—… … yip…
- I think they've gone
- Come back, stop gawping
yap-yap-yap! yip-yip! yak-yak-yak—yak!
kek-kek-kek-kek!! k’k’k’k’k!
yarrp! yarrp! yip-yip-yip-yip—!!
- Now they're out the front
- Why don't you go out and play with them
heh-heh—kek! kek!—yap! yap!
yap-yap—kek-kek—yip-yip—yap!!
- Don't come down the path. No, no
woa… woa… woaow…
WOH—ow… woo—ow… woh—ow…
wow!… wohh!… woooo!… → → → w…o…w…
I was intimidated
they were very snobby
she didn't let me sleep
she annoyed me a lot
she left the music on at night
one day I got up and punched her
the days I had to go into the workshops were
worse; they were so active sexually
the way people would behave like that
the whole confusing, mad
feel about the place
TO KILL A PERSON
IS A BUSINESS OF TWO, THREE
SECONDS
you can strangle, or poison
middle of the night
a few grams of
changa in coca cola or
water you're dead
she grabbed this needle
"treat this as a learning experience"
I got a job
in a concrete room
it was heaven
we would talk and talk and
talk until they turned
off the lights; a mother
is a mother
the money has a very strange,
strange effect
many of these lawyers, they
are more bandits than their clients
I didn't admit that I was
running away even though I'd always
been running away, I'd never
approach my problems
I was like, trembling
at the bottom of the hill,
I see my family standing there
(i)
(ii)
WELL MAYBE I LIKE IT MAYBE I FUCKING LIKE IT
i am the mAsTeR of my oWn dIsAsTeR
I regret to inform you
but your payment method, and your proposal
they have expired
The patent period, your discount voucher,
our vital documents, have expired
The sunscreen, fire extinguishers, and car seats
they have expired
Our minor agreement, my visa, your passport,
and our major contract, have expired
Your period of validity, and my appeal period
they have expired
The disinfectants, smoke alarms, and the medication
they have expired
This session has expired
Our allotted time has expired
You come to my wedding
and now you betray me
I am the King of Albania!
I am now the former King of Albania
forced to flee with eleven suitcases of gold
You cannot kill me,
though many have tried
now only mother prepares my food
we like to watch
the movies of Charlie Chaplin
Despite your cordial role
you were the key architect of
expansion and overthrow
which forced me into exile
this cannot be overlooked
The Countess Geraldine is very upset
and today I smoked 200 cigarettes
Your device was infected by my private malware.
An outdated browser makes you vulnerable, simply
visiting a malicious website containing
my iframe can result in automatic infection.
For further information search for 'Drive-by exploit' on Google.
My malware has granted me full access
to your accounts, complete control over
your device, and the ability to monitor you via your camera.
If you believe this is a joke, no, I know your password: MrB1gStu£$
I have collected all your private data and RECORDED FOOTAGE OF YOU
MASTRUBATING THROUGH YOUR CAMERA!
To erase all traces, I have removed my malware.
If you doubt my seriousness, it takes only a few clicks
to share your private video with friends, family,
contacts, social networks, the darknet,
or to publish your files.
You are the only one who can stop me,
and I am here to help.
The only way to prevent further damage is
to pay exactly $2800 in Bitcoin (BTC).
This is a reasonable offer compared to
the potential consequences of disclosure.
The CEO of Amazon,
it's on this note that I'm informing the world
of my intention to give out
my Fortune of $124 Billion of my wealth
to the lucky ones around the country and world at large.
Your email was randomly selected
to be a part of the people who will be
beneficiaries of this charity project.
Each person would be awarded $10,200,000.00
Contact on how to proceed.
It was the new thing so we'd heard. We
called ourselves the Free Fasts, our
first game was versus the
Big Luffs. You had to be
called things like that. Those
were the goofiest of times, when
people like me and your mother figure
were still allowed to have childhoods
There was none of the Pocalypso magnitude
of these here nowadays
What were the rules of fonkball?
You know I never really understood, all
I did was stand at the back fence and
stop the oppo with my pellets
Yes they did explode with
great ferocity and some say
it led to the First Outbreak but
that was still the Goofy Era
I couldn't pass
the hologram checksum
at the 5th, 7th and 8th
diamond-shaped window
payback for using an AI prompt
on the Broken Ship challenge
Galleons adrift, half-
cocked on the sand
lucky to be a remnant
flying the tarred and tattered
flag of Margate Robbie
Smiling fossils all, known
as Cuddy's beads, unknown
as the shell of your age
and would I like to leave a tip
before its even made in the city
its alright its alright
laptop clientele plugged in
take your time its not like
legging bros occupy al
fresco seating
yes milk yes, look at
that mini cup no lid to take
away with you, and gone in two
flatwhite lukewarm sips
in the city its alright its alright
We were 2 goofy fellow's on a walk
mocking the grovers apostrove
we do know where to stick it
striding forth in our welly boots
Yukking it up so far up
our stuffed bras and polo necks
Just 2 nerdy widows on a troll
chuckling about, an oxford comma
without really knowing what
day month or yeeha it was
But we did know, and will never
tell where are husband's our buried
A friend had made her a mix CD
but not listed any of the tracks
I thought this was an act of
criminal negligence
She suggested I put my
so-called expertise to the test
and see what we could find out
The music tbh (which means to be honest)
was a little too goth-leaning for my taste
and I only identified about one in four
tracks. We did Google a few
from the lurcs, which means lyrics
It was honestly one of the best evenings
we spent together. I was in my element
Funny Little Frog - boom!
and I think this is the
Mountain Goats
That sort of thing
I was young and innocent (42)
you do you
yeah you do you
you just do you
dont worry bout me
you do you
yeah you just do you
do you do you do you
yeah you do yeah you do
you think you do
you really think you do
you will do you
you'll do right by you
will you do right by me
or will you do right by you
The so-called day the ding-dong day
I don't know why I have to add that
perhaps to offset the fact that I would never genuinely
say 'back in the day' let's move on
I worked in London's vibrant Soho
and every lunchtime I'd head out to visit all
the record shops not the knocking shops
I don't know why you'd say that
And I'd work out that after rent and living expenses
caveat those were different times (Lou Reed voice)
I may be able to spend let's say max £20 a day
on records (as in vinyls if you must although
I wasn't averse to CDs and certainly in a second hand shop
a cassette could be very worthwhile VFM purchase)
Flicking through the racks
new releases, rereleases, recommendations, bargains
it was all I lived for, all I wanted
I was in my element
I was enraptured, I was
hiding out ooooooooooh
I can see that now I am
a very very mature man
But when Dolly Parton played Glastonbury
in [look up the year later] my nemesis co-worker Josephine
who just happened to be my ex-boss couldn't shut up about it
'Yay we're all going to Dollywood!'
'Guys let's all dress up!'
'Who doesn't love a bit of Dolly!'
NAME THREE SONGS
now I wasn't one of those people
- are you sure?
- yes I'm sure
- do you wish you'd never started this
- of course
- would you like to clarify you have nothing against Dolly who has written some great songs and really done a lot for global literacy etc
- yeah sure
- then we can stop this now?
I do have a few more sarcastic observations
about my nemesis co-worker Josephine
- no thank you
I slaughter approx 500 ppl per day
and full disclosure have done so for
the past 100 days YOU DO THA MATH
with handgun, shotgun
assault rifle and sniper gun
choose wisely according to challenge
Sometimes sitting ducks, some-
times PvP battles
also robots (annoying) and zombies (resilient)
And far from turning me into a
drooling psycho NUTBAG, it has been an exercise in
calm and mindfulness
Squeeze the trigger / tap the thumb 💥
See the blood flow, hear the
shots ring out, the bodies fall
take them down TAKE THEM OUT
$25 extra for a headshot
Note to any feds reading, or
absolutely anyone at all reading,
this is known as ironic distancing
Sitting at the breakfast nook
perched atop uncomfortable leather stools
eating our porridge slash cereal
the windowsill radio tuned to Capital Radio 95.8FM
for me, it was the pre-rock'n'roll era as in,
I wasn't obsessed yet mid 70s & all I had / heard
was low level breakfast radio
And Thursday TOTP on the upstairs portable TV
as it wasn't encouraged on the downstairs big TV
(lack of) volume was certainly an issue plus
no one at school ever talked about music
maybe once a year there was a
did-you-see buzz memorably
Sparks yes Bowie no
Not having an older brother + sister
was also an issue, but
one radio standout was War's Low Rider
every time that came on there was a
glimpse of a different world
if only you could turn it up
Last Sunday morning when
you coughed up a lung
sniffed up a sardine
pooped out a parrot and
Literally fell to the floor
flailing even gibbering
wondering if it was late variant covid
Just for reference
and full disclosure
you'd drunk four cans of Special Brew
the night before
case closed
You got up on the horse
now you can get off off the horse
or fall in slow motion off the horse
don't matter much to me, ain't my horse
My indifference causes
an earthquake on Mars
(marsquake)
My mother (briefly) had a 'bosom pal'
Janice was a hairdresser who
lived in a tower block, not like us
She was always on about Crystal Palace
and together they laughed so much thick
as thieves yukking it up
Janice cut my hair and left me to
watch cartoons with orange juice
You climbed up up up upon that horse
now you can come off off off of that horse
Ended up in Southall
listening to Dorothy Carter in the rain
the relentless rain did I mention the rain took a bus
took a wrong turn saw the water tower
the town hall. An ex-colleague lived here
I imagined a dialogue, not unusual but
Fruitless, circular, not one of the more
comforting ruminations
Remember, at some point, mention
delicious aromas and the vibrancy
Traditional folk, medieval revival,
psychedelic experimentation
In the rain prior, I went to Hayes & Harlington
took three or four wrong turnings there too
this is what we do now
ransack the outskirts on a wet Weds
For free, in yr spare
soakd unto drooned rat and this was the last
time I wore my bonnie Berghaus before it
perished, mercifully
in an alien machine
now we are laying some say lying here
moribund and fizzing
now we are itching also scratching
the difference which of the foot slash feet
entering the bunkarts of albania
stop it now ssh it all now
playing cricket in the afterlife
now we are having to rise at 0600 military
with alarum music set for 0607 good reasons
restith cometh you awake afresh its 1212
now you are wearing fat slippers
now you are depositing distracting pee some say piss
now you are noticing the reassuring whoosh of the traffic
but whabout the less assuring whoosh
whine of your own earholes and whither
ist my tinnitus appointment
the clack and squawk of late homecomers, residual
longing for the increasingly rare lonesome train whistle
now take a deep side turn bet if tony and georgia
met you all have a laugh like pub quiz bike ride
sit and moisturize the feet awhile
radio on radio off
entering the caves in devon chislehurst also
the chilly step down into bonespace
aerial geometry field
school rulebook cloud
within cells interlinked
now are we awake now are we drifting no
we cannot be drifting if
the boy on the bike yells 'Specsavers!'
at me after I cross the road
in front of him (executing my
crossing with great efficiently
in order not to cause him to slow down)
the women in the booth raps
her nails on the glass three times
and beckons me to show my passport
as I started to walk past her window
as she was engrossed in her phone
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'Max Payne interiors'
as if my sunlit doppelganger had the
faintest idea what is meant by that
My investigations reveal there is a Max Payne
third-person shooter which has
'one of the bleakest settings in gaming history'
Now I'm not a gamer but this gritty,
noir-inspired aesthetic, featuring dark, dilapidated,
and claustrophobic spaces which mirror the protagonist's
despair and the city's decay was
instantly recognisable to me
And yes the subway, the hotel, the drug den
with their sparse lighting, worn textures, and
often filthy environments are
the ideal locations for my own
gritty, revenge-driven storyline about
a man on the edge, fighting to clear his name
while struggling to uncover
the truth about his slain family - it all added up
You're in a computer game, Max.
I saw a wizard by the ancient River Effra
(a former stream or small river in south London
now culverted for most of its course)
while on a mission of my own
which involved... never you mind
Bearded, lanky and ancient (at least 50)
he sported a red cape, a golden crown
of cardboard and he possessed a staff
with which he commanded a plastic bottle
to levitate, assisted by much profanity
and a wild waving of every available limb
His Sunday conjuring attracted some
spectators crossing the Vauxhall Bridge
whose applause appeared to
disgust him. He needed the
approval of no one, NO ONE!
The old rental and its weed garden
ever unmown and thistled but the worse
the worst was the garage door
with its marginally but reliably
expanding peephole paint peeling
we really should one day patch it up
but never did of course and so the flaking
spread the gap increased no car inside
just a collection of chipped and
unholy toilet seats not exactly
a vintage collection also
dangling visible through the gape
a mirrorball in the form of
an oversized basketball
You (affectionately) mock my admiration
for certain stylish bridges
from the whimsical to the brutalist
Consider: The Bridge as a Symbol of Internal Integration
Riga, Latvia had a succession of beauties which
sent me into rhapsodies you found bewildering
Vientiane where I lost my mind on the giddy crossing
as you nearly lost your footing
Consider: the irrational third element resolving
an unconscious tension between opposing forces
Gazing along the Thames from certain vantage points
may be a minor healing process, a
grouping of history and memory
Consider: jumping off one - no
let us not be flippant, let us recall
connections we have made, and bridges
we have traversed
From Salford to the Florida Keys
the accidental glories of my travels
from Newcastle to Nashville, groping
blindly in search of
the transcendent function
Has a Spider Man hoodie
over a Pokémon sweatshirt
and a face like a peeled peach
As we land he bounces up and down
yelling DOTCOM DOTCOM
His little brother joins in
DOC TOM DOC TOM
which is clearly wrong and he is
enthusiastically corrected
The half gnaws on the clock
pots sweat / numbers slip
salt = static
steam counts itself wrong
someone keeps multiplying
No cutlery
only relics
forks dreaming of mouths
spoons bent into questions
knife = mirror = no
Are these my people
or just noise wearing shoes
the chairs say nothing
the table refuses eye contact
The word 'corridor'
-rig the alarm-
Faces pixelate
colleagues go flat, play beige
knowledge is contraband
swallow syllables whole
while choking politely
Red red rocks glow like
rules without verbs, as
heat hums my employee ID
there's no way around
Clambering over the rosy blocks
hands full of dinner
feet full of doubt
skin learns heat
numbers peel
thirteen and a half step
falls through the cracks
Applause from nowhere
applause from below
later ≠ later
cutlery rattling its hollow bones
you set the table
upside down
And mispronounced the word 'corridor'
on purpose
And lacking an aircraft, I draw the courage
to breathe underwater. Send helpless
air bubble messages
fizzing to the surface
Where they fail to catch the dewdrop
and do nothing to aid
the reflection of the cosmos
Better to become
an eel or a snake, afloat absurd
and redundant.
cf. Roberto Bolaño & Harry Martinson
Saved her before I saw her I saved her from some rough boys on the street corner of Wardour and Meard, joyous to chance Kissed her on the cheek unasked noticing of her thick chestnut hair so unlike the straggly & prematurely silver-tinged wig of 91
‘Come with me, I’ll take you a place I know’
playing the Soho sophisticate
*** The Ejector Seat Reservation Lounge ***
it had a seat on top of a 30-foot hydraulic pole
operating as an entrance stroke exit
Karin looked apprehensive
‘Go ahead, it’s quite safe’ I encouraged her
She climbed in and asked me what happened next I didn’t know and panicked
‘It must be broken, there’s another entrance’ I said blushing
& took her down the dirty subway beneath Rupert swallowing my discomfort
I’d never actually been down to *** The Ejector Seat Reservation Lounge *** before - didn’t know what to do
or what buttons to press
Down the p-sub we were silent until
‘Look at these marvellous app-ree-kots’ she said
pointing to a cardboard carpet featuring fruits
fashioned from gemstones
‘App-ree-kots’ I replied seizing on a weak spot, ‘What are app-ree-kots’
she turned her head & muttered some German obscenity
the toothless shaggy pressed one into her hand
‘Only a fiver mate’ directed at the gentleman
who caught sniff of a jelly baby detergent rising
and handed over a reluctant note, dreading
The hours ahead with a rusty nail and a feeble sense of gravy
