Merlin the sassy pig
helped me meet my husband
I had a pig obsession
one day I'd have a pig
Merlin my mini
Vietnamese pot-bellied pig
in our home in Sacramento, California
I started training him
to spin, shake and high-five
His favourite foods are fruits
– apples, watermelons and bananas
Merlin has taught me so much
He likes to wear a propeller cap
He has millions of fans
across the world
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Yes you've been chosen to receive
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They're having quite a night of it
dog fox lording it on the
roof of not my car
skittering, scampering
hiding behind wheels
[come on do the voices]
SKREEE—eee—EEE!!!
yaaAAAH—eeeeee!!… ee—EE—EE!!
KYA—A—A—A—A!!! (↓) … ee… ee…
skriii—YAAAH!! skriii—YAAAH!!
EEE-EEE-EEE-EEE!!! (ee! ee! ee!)
- Guys, I say, like come on,
guys, we all have to be
yip… yip-yip… yeeeep…
eeeeh—yip?… yip…
trrriip… yip… yip…
ppppprrrih… rrrih… yip…
...up in the morning
yip—yip—… … yip…
- I think they've gone
- Come back, stop gawping
yap-yap-yap! yip-yip! yak-yak-yak—yak!
kek-kek-kek-kek!! k’k’k’k’k!
yarrp! yarrp! yip-yip-yip-yip—!!
- Now they're out the front
- Why don't you go out and play with them
heh-heh—kek! kek!—yap! yap!
yap-yap—kek-kek—yip-yip—yap!!
- Don't come down the path. No, no
woa… woa… woaow…
WOH—ow… woo—ow… woh—ow…
wow!… wohh!… woooo!… → → → w…o…w…
I was intimidated
they were very snobby
she didn't let me sleep
she annoyed me a lot
she left the music on at night
one day I got up and punched her
the days I had to go into the workshops were
worse; they were so active sexually
the way people would behave like that
the whole confusing, mad
feel about the place
TO KILL A PERSON
IS A BUSINESS OF TWO, THREE
SECONDS
you can strangle, or poison
middle of the night
a few grams of
changa in coca cola or
water you're dead
she grabbed this needle
"treat this as a learning experience"
I got a job
in a concrete room
it was heaven
we would talk and talk and
talk until they turned
off the lights; a mother
is a mother
the money has a very strange,
strange effect
many of these lawyers, they
are more bandits than their clients
I didn't admit that I was
running away even though I'd always
been running away, I'd never
approach my problems
I was like, trembling
at the bottom of the hill,
I see my family standing there
(i)
(ii)
WELL MAYBE I LIKE IT MAYBE I FUCKING LIKE IT
i am the mAsTeR of my oWn dIsAsTeR
I regret to inform you
but your payment method, and your proposal
they have expired
The patent period, your discount voucher,
our vital documents, have expired
The sunscreen, fire extinguishers, and car seats
they have expired
Our minor agreement, my visa, your passport,
and our major contract, have expired
Your period of validity, and my appeal period
they have expired
The disinfectants, smoke alarms, and the medication
they have expired
This session has expired
Our allotted time has expired
You come to my wedding
and now you betray me
I am the King of Albania!
I am now the former King of Albania
forced to flee with eleven suitcases of gold
You cannot kill me,
though many have tried
now only mother prepares my food
we like to watch
the movies of Charlie Chaplin
Despite your cordial role
you were the key architect of
expansion and overthrow
which forced me into exile
this cannot be overlooked
The Countess Geraldine is very upset
and today I smoked 200 cigarettes
Your device was infected by my private malware.
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visiting a malicious website containing
my iframe can result in automatic infection.
For further information search for 'Drive-by exploit' on Google.
My malware has granted me full access
to your accounts, complete control over
your device, and the ability to monitor you via your camera.
If you believe this is a joke, no, I know your password: MrB1gStu£$
I have collected all your private data and RECORDED FOOTAGE OF YOU
MASTRUBATING THROUGH YOUR CAMERA!
To erase all traces, I have removed my malware.
If you doubt my seriousness, it takes only a few clicks
to share your private video with friends, family,
contacts, social networks, the darknet,
or to publish your files.
You are the only one who can stop me,
and I am here to help.
The only way to prevent further damage is
to pay exactly $2800 in Bitcoin (BTC).
This is a reasonable offer compared to
the potential consequences of disclosure.
The CEO of Amazon,
it's on this note that I'm informing the world
of my intention to give out
my Fortune of $124 Billion of my wealth
to the lucky ones around the country and world at large.
Your email was randomly selected
to be a part of the people who will be
beneficiaries of this charity project.
Each person would be awarded $10,200,000.00
Contact on how to proceed.
It was the new thing so we'd heard. We
called ourselves the Free Fasts, our
first game was versus the
Big Luffs. You had to be
called things like that. Those
were the goofiest of times, when
people like me and your mother figure
were still allowed to have childhoods
There was none of the Pocalypso magnitude
of these here nowadays
What were the rules of fonkball?
You know I never really understood, all
I did was stand at the back fence and
stop the oppo with my pellets
Yes they did explode with
great ferocity and some say
it led to the First Outbreak but
that was still the Goofy Era
I couldn't pass
the hologram checksum
at the 5th, 7th and 8th
diamond-shaped window
payback for using an AI prompt
on the Broken Ship challenge
Galleons adrift, half-
cocked on the sand
lucky to be a remnant
flying the tarred and tattered
flag of Margate Robbie
Smiling fossils all, known
as Cuddy's beads, unknown
as the shell of your age
and would I like to leave a tip
before its even made in the city
its alright its alright
laptop clientele plugged in
take your time its not like
legging bros occupy al
fresco seating
yes milk yes, look at
that mini cup no lid to take
away with you, and gone in two
flatwhite lukewarm sips
in the city its alright its alright
We were 2 goofy fellow's on a walk
mocking the grovers apostrove
we do know where to stick it
striding forth in our welly boots
Yukking it up so far up
our stuffed bras and polo necks
Just 2 nerdy widows on a troll
chuckling about, an oxford comma
without really knowing what
day month or yeeha it was
But we did know, and will never
tell where are husband's our buried
A friend had made her a mix CD
but not listed any of the tracks
I thought this was an act of
criminal negligence
She suggested I put my
so-called expertise to the test
and see what we could find out
The music tbh (which means to be honest)
was a little too goth-leaning for my taste
and I only identified about one in four
tracks. We did Google a few
from the lurcs, which means lyrics
It was honestly one of the best evenings
we spent together. I was in my element
Funny Little Frog - boom!
and I think this is the
Mountain Goats
That sort of thing
I was young and innocent (42)
you do you
yeah you do you
you just do you
dont worry bout me
you do you
yeah you just do you
do you do you do you
yeah you do yeah you do
you think you do
you really think you do
you will do you
you'll do right by you
will you do right by me
or will you do right by you
The so-called day the ding-dong day
I don't know why I have to add that
perhaps to offset the fact that I would never genuinely
say 'back in the day' let's move on
I worked in London's vibrant Soho
and every lunchtime I'd head out to visit all
the record shops not the knocking shops
I don't know why you'd say that
And I'd work out that after rent and living expenses
caveat those were different times (Lou Reed voice)
I may be able to spend let's say max £20 a day
on records (as in vinyls if you must although
I wasn't averse to CDs and certainly in a second hand shop
a cassette could be very worthwhile VFM purchase)
Flicking through the racks
new releases, rereleases, recommendations, bargains
it was all I lived for, all I wanted
I was in my element
I was enraptured, I was
hiding out ooooooooooh
I can see that now I am
a very very mature man
But when Dolly Parton played Glastonbury
in [look up the year later] my nemesis co-worker Josephine
who just happened to be my ex-boss couldn't shut up about it
'Yay we're all going to Dollywood!'
'Guys let's all dress up!'
'Who doesn't love a bit of Dolly!'
NAME THREE SONGS
now I wasn't one of those people
- are you sure?
- yes I'm sure
- do you wish you'd never started this
- of course
- would you like to clarify you have nothing against Dolly who has written some great songs and really done a lot for global literacy etc
- yeah sure
- then we can stop this now?
I do have a few more sarcastic observations
about my nemesis co-worker Josephine
- no thank you
I slaughter approx 500 ppl per day
and full disclosure have done so for
the past 100 days YOU DO THA MATH
with handgun, shotgun
assault rifle and sniper gun
choose wisely according to challenge
Sometimes sitting ducks, some-
times PvP battles
also robots (annoying) and zombies (resilient)
And far from turning me into a
drooling psycho NUTBAG, it has been an exercise in
calm and mindfulness
Squeeze the trigger / tap the thumb 💥
See the blood flow, hear the
shots ring out, the bodies fall
take them down TAKE THEM OUT
$25 extra for a headshot
Note to any feds reading, or
absolutely anyone at all reading,
this is known as ironic distancing
Sitting at the breakfast nook
perched atop uncomfortable leather stools
eating our porridge slash cereal
the windowsill radio tuned to Capital Radio 95.8FM
for me, it was the pre-rock'n'roll era as in,
I wasn't obsessed yet mid 70s & all I had / heard
was low level breakfast radio
And Thursday TOTP on the upstairs portable TV
as it wasn't encouraged on the downstairs big TV
(lack of) volume was certainly an issue plus
no one at school ever talked about music
maybe once a year there was a
did-you-see buzz memorably
Sparks yes Bowie no
Not having an older brother + sister
was also an issue, but
one radio standout was War's Low Rider
every time that came on there was a
glimpse of a different world
if only you could turn it up
Last Sunday morning when
you coughed up a lung
sniffed up a sardine
pooped out a parrot and
Literally fell to the floor
flailing even gibbering
wondering if it was late variant covid
Just for reference
and full disclosure
you'd drunk four cans of Special Brew
the night before
case closed
You got up on the horse
now you can get off off the horse
or fall in slow motion off the horse
don't matter much to me, ain't my horse
My indifference causes
an earthquake on Mars
(marsquake)
My mother (briefly) had a 'bosom pal'
Janice was a hairdresser who
lived in a tower block, not like us
She was always on about Crystal Palace
and together they laughed so much thick
as thieves yukking it up
Janice cut my hair and left me to
watch cartoons with orange juice
You climbed up up up upon that horse
now you can come off off off of that horse
Ended up in Southall
listening to Dorothy Carter in the rain
the relentless rain did I mention the rain took a bus
took a wrong turn saw the water tower
the town hall. An ex-colleague lived here
I imagined a dialogue, not unusual but
Fruitless, not even comforting
Remember, at some point, mention
delicious aromas and the vibrancy
Traditional folk, medieval revival,
psychedelic experimentation
In the rain prior, I went to Hayes & Harlington
took three or four wrong turnings there too
this is what we do now
ransack the outskirts on a wet Weds
For free, in yr spare
soakd unto drooned rat and this was the last
time I wore my long-life Berghaus before it
perished, mercifully
in an alien machine
now we are laying some say lying here
moribund and fizzing
now we are itching also scratching
the difference which of the foot slash feet
entering the bunkarts of albania
stop it now ssh it all now
playing cricket in the afterlife
now we are having to rise at 0600 military
with alarum music set for 0607 good reasons
restith cometh you awake afresh its 1212
now you are wearing fat slippers
now you are depositing distracting pee some say piss
now you are noticing the reassuring whoosh of the traffic
but whabout the less assuring whoosh
whine of your own earholes and whither
ist my tinnitus appointment
the clack and squawk of late homecomers, residual
longing for the increasingly rare lonesome train whistle
now take a deep side turn bet if tony and georgia
met you all have a laugh like pub quiz bike ride
sit and moisturize the feet awhile
radio on radio off
entering the caves in devon chislehurst also
the chilly step down into bonespace
aerial geometry field
school rulebook cloud
within cells interlinked
now are we awake now are we drifting no
we cannot be drifting if
the boy on the bike yells 'Specsavers!'
at me after I cross the road
in front of him (executing my
crossing with great efficiently
in order not to cause him to slow down)
the women in the booth raps
her nails on the glass three times
and beckons me to show my passport
as I started to walk past her window
as she was engrossed in her phone
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'Max Payne interiors'
as if my sunlit doppelganger had the
faintest idea what is meant by that
My investigations reveal there is a Max Payne
third-person shooter which has
'one of the bleakest settings in gaming history'
Now I'm not a gamer but this gritty,
noir-inspired aesthetic, featuring dark, dilapidated,
and claustrophobic spaces which mirror the protagonist's
despair and the city's decay was
instantly recognisable to me
And yes the subway, the hotel, the drug den
with their sparse lighting, worn textures, and
often filthy environments are
the ideal locations for my own
gritty, revenge-driven storyline about
a man on the edge, fighting to clear his name
while struggling to uncover
the truth about his slain family - it all added up
You're in a computer game, Max.
I saw a wizard by the ancient River Effra
(a former stream or small river in south London
now culverted for most of its course)
while on a mission of my own
which involved... never you mind
Bearded, lanky and ancient (at least 50)
he sported a red cape, a golden crown
of cardboard and he possessed a staff
with which he commanded a plastic bottle
to levitate, assisted by much profanity
and a wild waving of every available limb
His Sunday conjuring attracted some
spectators crossing the Vauxhall Bridge
whose applause appeared to
disgust him. He needed the
approval of no one, NO ONE!
The old rental and its weed garden
ever unmown and thistled but the worse
the worst was the garage door
with its marginally but reliably
expanding peephole paint peeling
we really should one day patch it up
but never did of course and so the flaking
spread the gap increased no car inside
just a collection of chipped and
unholy toilet seats not exactly
a vintage collection also
dangling visible through the gape
a mirrorball in the form of
an oversized basketball
You (affectionately) mock my admiration
for certain stylish bridges
from the whimsical to the brutalist
Consider: The Bridge as a Symbol of Internal Integration
Riga, Latvia had a succession of beauties which
sent me into rhapsodies you found bewildering
Vientiane where I lost my mind on the giddy crossing
as you nearly lost your footing
Consider: the irrational third element resolving
an unconscious tension between opposing forces
Gazing along the Thames from certain vantage points
may be a minor healing process, a
grouping of history and memory
Consider: jumping off one - no
let us not be flippant, let us recall
connections we have made, and bridges
we have traversed
From Salford to the Florida Keys
the accidental glories of my travels
from Newcastle to Nashville, groping
blindly in search of
the transcendent function
Has a Spider Man hoodie
over a Pokémon sweatshirt
and a face like a peeled peach
As we land he bounces up and down
yelling DOTCOM DOTCOM
His little brother joins in
DOC TOM DOC TOM
which is clearly wrong and he is
enthusiastically corrected
The half gnaws on the clock
pots sweat / numbers slip
salt = static
steam counts itself wrong
someone keeps multiplying
No cutlery
only relics
forks dreaming of mouths
spoons bent into questions
knife = mirror = no
Are these my people
or just noise wearing shoes
the chairs say nothing
the table refuses eye contact
The word 'corridor'
-rig the alarm-
Faces pixelate
colleagues go flat, play beige
knowledge is contraband
swallow syllables whole
while choking politely
Red red rocks glow like
rules without verbs, as
heat hums my employee ID
there's no way around
Clambering over the rosy blocks
hands full of dinner
feet full of doubt
skin learns heat
numbers peel
thirteen and a half step
falls through the cracks
Applause from nowhere
applause from below
later ≠ later
cutlery rattling its hollow bones
you set the table
upside down
And mispronounced the word 'corridor'
on purpose
And lacking an aircraft, I draw the courage
to breathe underwater. Send helpless
air bubble messages
fizzing to the surface
Where they fail to catch the dewdrop
and do nothing to aid
the reflection of the cosmos
Better to become
an eel or a snake, afloat absurd
and redundant.
cf. Roberto Bolaño & Harry Martinson
Saved her before I saw her I saved her from some rough boys on the street corner of Wardour and Meard, joyous to chance Kissed her on the cheek unasked noticing of her thick chestnut hair so unlike the straggly & prematurely silver-tinged wig of 91
‘Come with me, I’ll take you a place I know’
playing the Soho sophisticate
*** The Ejector Seat Reservation Lounge ***
it had a seat on top of a 30-foot hydraulic pole
operating as an entrance stroke exit
Karin looked apprehensive
‘Go ahead, it’s quite safe’ I encouraged her
She climbed in and asked me what happened next I didn’t know and panicked
‘It must be broken, there’s another entrance’ I said blushing
& took her down the dirty subway beneath Rupert swallowing my discomfort
I’d never actually been down to *** The Ejector Seat Reservation Lounge *** before - didn’t know what to do
or what buttons to press
Down the p-sub we were silent until
‘Look at these marvellous app-ree-kots’ she said
pointing to a cardboard carpet featuring fruits
fashioned from gemstones
‘App-ree-kots’ I replied seizing on a weak spot, ‘What are app-ree-kots’
she turned her head & muttered some German obscenity
the toothless shaggy pressed one into her hand
‘Only a fiver mate’ directed at the gentleman
who caught sniff of a jelly baby detergent rising
and handed over a reluctant note, dreading
The hours ahead with a rusty nail and a feeble sense of gravy
In the stillness of night, headphones embrace
You lie in your bed, lost in your space
Building scenarios, a world of your own
Replaying old moments, where seeds were grown
Conversations linger, words left unsaid
A theatre of thought, where fantasies tread
Imagining love - dancing like pure light
In a realm of your making, and demons take flight
Psychologists mutter of daydreams askew
Maladaptive escapes where the mind wanders through
Vividly painted in colours so bright
A refuge from worries, a fortress of light
The brain's network hums, default mode's call
Imagination ignites - soft soothing thrall
Dopamine flows with each triumph you weave
Yet victories fade, like the dusk as you grieve
For roots run deep, where childhood once played
In loneliness grip, in neglect's cruel shade
When the world felt unsafe, yet you crafted a way
To seize a small haven, where you kept fears at bay
Not laziness no, but a dance of the mind,
Your nervous system seeks solace, entwined
But beware of the lure, when escape feels so sweet
For the thrill of the dream pulls you from the street
So tread with care, in a land of your making
Where imagination breathes, and reality's shaking
Life's waiting out there, beyond dreams' gentle hold
In the warmth of the present, let your story unfold
A lot of people
become spies
accidentally.
Throwing huge parties
for tech workers.
"How do you afford this?"
Patrons from all over the world
want to keep up.
Access to information
is what it looks like.
They seemed totally oblivious.
Just really good event planners.
I sat there
completely stupefied;
they didn't realize
the actual reason 'they'
paid them to hang out
with the drunk founders.
To clarify -
Trolley nerd bigwigs
afforded all this.
Picking locks in the
event planning world.
Totally oblivious
at least part-time.
"Who are the patrons?"
Certain rich people +
sneaky guy in a suit who
held the huge wingdings
when eventually some
minions turned spies.
A lot of
information -
years ago -
accidental -
logistics -
stupefied.
It takes six inches of water
to knock someone off their feet
There was rain in the forecast
it sprinkled, and then it started
coming down heavy
[Thunder rumbles]
We got word from the ranger....
within moments I was drenched
head to toe
It starts to feel more
and more serious
Is this the danger?
We watched the water
rise and rise
the hair on the back of your neck
Then the water burst over the bank
all right, this is intense
By then, the river
had divided everybody and
the pathway is entirely engulfed
It went from one of the prettiest things
I've ever seen to this just
reddish-brown disgusting mud
Then we are not a family, and you are
not the greatest dancer
some clarity is appreciated
amid the evolutionary mismatch
You dive down, deeper
you climb up, higher &
godspeed the immanent unravelling
Keep snip snipping the loose
ends lest they stray out of your leg
pockets then tumbling, heels
over headache by dérèglement
Keep the back four in line, rogue
strands, limbs and wires will not
be tolerated even if by smashing
it all into random shards
A once in a century reconstructed, recon-
stituted reconnaissance ghost
is born aus der Asche
You're so familiar
I don't even know why
I acknowledge you
give you the time of day
You keep hanging round here
like a dirty secret
a grubby stain
Fetid and fated
addressed to me and only me
In this way
it makes me feel so special
makes me feel so chosen
Deserving of this blessing
and a curse
But the trick
as always known
is to wriggle out from over or under
slashing wildly
and huffing furiously
With peak inelegance
also discarding pajamas
at the bottom of the pool
A rejection of destiny
a denial of the filthy path
Every day
you awake
you must choose again
God it gets so boring
and leads to such exhaustion
We begin to slide down the muddy slope
until it all comes round again
Now look, listen, I see time and numbers as a grid
in my mind like that's anything unusual
So now I can identify
as a spatial-sequence synaesthete
add that badge to my achievements?
This has been the process since
playing Snakes and Ladders at Grandma's c. 1970
The numbers 1 to 100 are set out
from bottom left 1-10 then snake
round 11-20 right to left
21-30 L to R, and so on, twisting
round and making mental arithmetic an
exercise in visualised grids
I'm not saying I'm really good at it
although probably better than you
<John Lee Hooker voice> Ho ho ho ho
don't you do it like that
Do you get the picture, yes we see,
it goes up to 100 and then
the whole process starts again and that's
what I mean by the magic number grid
Years, clocks, calendars
all with parallel visual components
I don't know how you jokers
operate if you don't
use a mind map of numbers in some way
I found a stone in the pocket of my new jeans
like a triple sized and dried chewing gum ball
or shrivelled up wasp nest desert fossil
maybe the shrunken head of King Hamurabi XIV
Not to over-egg
But now thanks so very much to the portal
I see it's <almost certainly> a pumice stone
used in the stone wash jeans process
to give them an aged look and make it softer
'Yeah, in the 80s it was pretty common
to find them in your jeans actually'
Three cheers
for the mundane
explanation
I like to take a walk to ease my troubled mind
Try and figure out what's wrong with me (or you)
Now some people think when listening to me
That I ain't got no education
Well that was a long time ago, and
Never was much of a deep thinker
Not much of a shallow talker
There's no one to talk to these days
And I can't see which way to go
There's so much noise in my head
I live above the chip shop
Owned by the Greek Cypriots
They often call me down
To pay the rent and have a chat
Michael jokes about his broken English
He's much kinder than his wife
When she's gone - 'You want ribs?'
But with all my years of suburban shelter
I can't think of a word to say
Apart from 'Sure'
I can't see the way forward
For all the thunder in my brain
Am I even human?
This life is so full of confusion
If my best friends don't even know me
How can they even be my friends?
They stroll arm in arm down the road
Straight into the frightening city lights
They're rude but right about my face
My murky, shifty, gloomy, lost face
And all my papers lay shredded in the bath
I go to work every day while
My stomach churns and my head aches
And my shadow self is mocking
You're useless and numb.
No one will remember you, and
You can't see the future
Because there never was one
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So if you're sick and tired
of living with weak urinary flow
Rub this strong spice on your back
Sell your home to Ziggy for cash
My fire engine after all
these years still proud and shiny red
but covered in fluff and
glaze of spider web, I
Should gently clean with a tissue
restore my Bedford 1939 to
its original glory, rather than
let it rust in the sun
or shrivel in the cold
polish and protect is our motto
Let's set the wheels
in motion tomorrow
She said, I was in this taxi once
real late at night it was
and the driver looked back in his mirror
and with a sort of leer he asked
if it had been a good night for me
I said What do you mean
he said You look like a working girl
don't worry I've seem them all
and I'm very broad-minded
I said, Excuse me I've
been at an office leaving do
Sorry love, he said, No offence
but if you ever
want a new career
it's clear to me you're
sitting on a goldmine
My sister my sister the magician
spent the first six years of her
premature life in the bathtub
suds ahoop plotting and a planning
She was really quite as normal
as any of the Caterpillar family
That Christmas after dinner, and
this was 1999 after all, with the
family stuffed and slumbered, she
casually sent a drone
aloft equipped with a phone
It beamed back 80 per cent
ginger carpet and bald spots
canine misdemeanours and the
last resting place of her
ballet shoe atop the shed
We hold her in our hearts
