A tortoise named Winston Churchshell

music to vibe out to
modo fac tincan folklore
quirly-candy-toy sound
Electric Chariot section
smoking the green stuff

there are people who will read the Bible
pure kosmische musik energy
this is what an apple tastes like?
I may have a problem

a small journey to just getting baked
and drawing stuff trippin' like a butterfly
every place that you can imagine
oh my nihilism - is this canon?
like some lost artifact or memory

music to groove to, almost like a great book
for the first time and walk away
at 10:27 I start to ascend
difficult to listen to where this feels broken
First Dance Wedding Tune 

I'm believing every word, music to get lost in
honestly the best song
whale speaks of all time not even kidding
kicking ass all choppy and shit
in these fast times that we live in

I guess if you were a weed head in the 90s
and grew up with divorced parents
and had no culture or responsibility
and your head was lost in a cloud of pot smoke
this song met your low expectations

Nothing saddest me more as a fan of my big stompys

The unfortunate reality
of truly giant robots
is that nearly every material you can imagine
behaves like jelly
at large enough scales

Not if they made with unjellyfunium

Even buildings? Yes mass
dampeners exist specifically
to counter-jiggle because they wobble in the wind

The square-cube law
is one of the real Buzz Killingtons of physics

Discovered this ages 10 
building truss bridges
out of tape and drinking straws

This is why the truly giant ones
are made from psychic energy

My cat walked across one of my bridges
and I was like holy crap plastic straws
seem stronger than steel for their size

It will be different when we discover
the super space alloy and power it
with the super space energy rays
that will make everything work like I dream

The unfortunate reality
of truly giant robots
is that nearly every material you can imagine
behaves like jelly
at large enough scales

You don't make the giant mega ship,
you make many small ships

That's what my brain says anyways,
but my heart says giant robots are cool

This is why the Magazord uses
five smaller robots to mitigate this effect

Like if you think about it,
planets behave like liquid
over a billion years

This is why we need either
Gundanium alloy OR the Dead Sea Scrolls

I once prefabbed a straight run of 120’ of 4” steel pipe
for a welder. Took 10 guys to get it in the trench.
It bowed like a piece of spaghetti

It's fine just replace the bushings
in the leg joints every 1.4 miles

Time for peanut butter robot

The unfortunate reality
of truly giant robots
is that nearly every material you can imagine
behaves like jelly
at large enough scales

That's why the ultimate giant robot is made
from the energy of Man's indomitable will to live

Failure in your relativistic dynamic compression
members propagates at almost the same speed you can warn of it

But you can build some robots
of unusual size using
monocrystalline diamond

We just need to keep the robots
at human size and shrink all the people

Then why don't mountains flop like an jelly


https://x.com/ashlee3dee/status/2068346914081259783

Corned Beefs

I will sneer at you if you say these things:

To be pacific
For all intensive purposes
Doggy-dog world
Mute point
On tender hooks
Pass mustard
Cold slaw
Damp squid
Old-timer's disease
Off the beat and track
Take it for granite
Takes two to tangle
Chester draws
Wheelbarrel
Dull as dishwater
Old wise tale
Expresso
Escape goat
In one fowl swoop

And I will sneer at you if you write these things:

Baited breath
Bare witness
Tow the line
Illicit a response

But I will congratulate you if you say these thing:

Skellington

My authentic self

I just tell it like it is
I will say boo to a goose
I'll upset the applecart
I call it refreshing honesty
others say I'm a toxic tart

Like, like if you don't like
my opinion I have others
I'm very much what-you-see-is-what-you-get

My other half gets me
I'm lacking in tact and
deficient in guile while
he's the honey, I am the marmite

We go together like sugar and spite
like rama lama fa fa fa so
I'm far too salty, he's far too nice
but playing nice never won the prize

I paid the cost to be the boss
I know they whisper I'm a jerk
but somebody's got to pull the strings
so pretty please
let's get to fucking work

Father's Day Walk, Wapping Ornamental Canal System

- Look it's the loneliest heron
  add it to your app.

She means Merlin, meanwhile

Oi kids! Look up!
    What.
Put your phones down now and look up.
    Where daddy?
In the flaming tree, look, before-
    What's up there daddy?
It's a heron.
    What's that?
A BIRD! Big bird.

- Did you get it?
- Yes I got it. Let's move on. 

Exolinguistic Incident, 2038

A Chinese businessman clutching a briefcase turns and asks me
if he can walk to The Guardian offices from this stop.
He has some important papers to deliver.
And it must be done in person. He glances
over his shoulder. I say no sir this is Victoria.
Where does this train terminate?
It stops at King's Cross.
That's not what I asked.
Yes but you could walk from there.

I tire of his questions and fall asleep.
The lack of oxygen down here. And it's
all been so tiring lately don't you find.
With the recent manifestations. The
rumoured disappearances.

I wake in a startle and hop off the tube
two stops past my target. I half
recognise the streets and feel confident
if I keep walking I can find my way home.
It's not dark yet but it's not light either.
A gentle rain begins to fall.
A bonfire aroma in the autumn evening.
A sign on the bridge up ahead.

Closer: it's a wooden, domino shaped, pulsing and
patterned artefact which emits a hum or drone.
They say the pulses and hums are trying to tell us something.
I have a free app on my phone for just such an occasion.
It's called Rankgor don't ask me why.
Such signs had been manifesting recently.
Go ahead and interpret this, I mutter.

We kept hearing about the signs
but this was my first sighting. The app seemed
unable or unwilling to deliver a clear translation.
So I took a picture which I could study
if I ever got home. Once I got home.

Inbox, 2001

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I'm 19, and I just got my webcam! 

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Loan Approval Notice

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Warning everything you do on your computer is being logged

When I walked to work (2008)

        (i)

being beeped at the first crossing and nearly giving up.
a tweed coated toff atop a horse.
only reaching escape velocity by the zoo.
an imperious wave to the canal.
muttering oaths at motorists,
cheerfully cursing roadworks.
a cloud of hideous stench from
the portable toilet being emptied.
the capital's finest selection of fruit n veg.
setting a new world record of 98 mins.
they have different water on the other side of town.

        (ii)

kick off early, see the breakfast joggers, dog walkers
get a good whiff of that gutter cleaning fluid
inhale as you pass caffe nero
the shins howl for a mile or two, only to be expected
it's possible you have never been as unfit as you are now

curse at pavement cyclists who really deserve
to be booted onto the public highway. you are now
entering a zone of privilege. creatures beamed in
from a different dimension. a blossom shower
is a brief blessing but the sky's moody,
could go either way.

102 mins, no wrong turnings, no delay due to ancient mariner.
'the generative grammar of the legs.'
empty promise to do it more often.

You cannot continue

You have asked for a security code too many times.
You must wait up to 15 minutes before trying again.

But how long must we wait for the change
of the season, a changing of the guard
or a minor change of heart. These are
not the same not the same

You have asked for a security code too many times.
Do not make repeated attempts during this time.

But how long must we wait
How long! How long! You must wait
up to 15 minutes before trying again.

Have you tried another browser?
If you try again now you will be
locked out for another 24 hours.

You have requested too many codes.
You have triggered an automated security cooldown.
You must wait up to 15 minutes before trying again.

But I don't want to wait, I want it now
I want to go now, I must have it now.
I will not wait for 24 hours. Yes I've
cleared cache and cookies

Have you received your 2-Step Verification code?
Have you tried incognito mode?
I am having the exact same issue

Try again! Try again! You must wait
up to 15 minutes before trying again.

You must wait you will wait
Wait! Wait! If you can stand
to wait the moment will pass

All these moments will pass

Confessional

Of course my so-called real name is not
Lee Holloway Towers
I changed it by dead pool
around the turn of the century

After turning up at my new job
trying to fit in, making the small talk
when I'm asked point blank by
the owlish girl
'Do you write poetry?'

What an outrageous question

Of course I denied it as I would surely
have denied our Lord. What kind of a pervert
would admit to being one of those people?

Perhaps someone lacking in shame and pure of heart

Of course she'd googled the new recruit
and found some incriminating results
submissions from the earliest days of the internet

'There must be more than one of me'

A lesson was learned
a new name was gained
a fresh beast was born

Waste transfer notes

significant levels of contamination
it's the taxpayer who foots
no interest in protecting
waste producers, waste brokers
80,000 documents

no intention of complying
after a painstaking trawl
a series of boreholes
falsifying documents
the public purse
waste producers, waste brokers
and 80,000 documents

recover all of his assets
noncompliance with a permit
delve into the paperwork
it was the right result
from Lowestoft to Leeds to Liverpool
it had all the ingredients
waste producers, waste brokers
80,000 documents

provided us with waste transfer notes
convicted the site owner
proximity to the water supply
*the crown court*
to avoid paying landfill tax
thousands of inert sites but
waste producers, waste brokers
and 80,000 documents

in polluting the environment
mounted a thin defence
samples taken by consultant
illegal activity
incriminating evidence
one of the more feeble excuses
hazardous materials
the conditions of the permit
unsuitable, unlined
waste producers, waste brokers
80,000 documents

the cost of building a new reservoir
the outright lying
blinded by greed
*reconstruction*
toxic chemicals
he was turning a tidy profit
eventually, he pleads guilty
+this site is currently closed+

waste producers, waste brokers
80,000 documents
and it's unusual to see
custodial sentences
for environmental offences

Car and Girl

I remember when       we were driving
driving in your car      yes we were driving
                                driving in your car
       like this moment now here   
       now    there        could never end

In a blue Ford Mustang 5.0 GT
four speed automatic, Virginia plates
cruise control and everything

We were driving and singing
laughing and riding
just like young lovers
just like real people do

This was before your drinks were spiked
and my face got rearranged

Wub Wub Wub 210626

fat wub
oscillator 1
    fat wub
    dirty saw or sine wave
      fat wub
      phase 12 minus
        fat wub
        assign an LFO
    fat wub
    saturation
fat wub
compression

fat fat wub
apply a tube distortion
    fat fat wub
    bring out the high-end crunch
      fat fat wub
      specific plugin chains
        fat fat wub
        exact knob settings
    fat fat wub
    shape the low and high ends
fat fat wub
push drive and resonance to add grit

    fat wub
    serum!
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    vital!
    fat wub
    wobble!

Bad Weather for Ducks

All the lame ducks were swimming in the waters of your mucky wake

So you became the magnetic collector of hamstrung mallardians

Claimed you never meant to hook them off the dusty shelf

Then why did you travel to the lonely fairground

You pleaded you didn't mean to lead them down dead end paths

But did you not hover around their nesting grounds

Did you not breed a feeble trail of crumbs

To keep them waddling deeper down the narrows

Please perverted piper don't deny how you trapped them

In the oily waters of your filthy slipstream

No time to wipe them clean or listen to their wounds

Or even scoff at their lame and injured quackeries

Kid yourself you were only waiting

for the golden goose

and the magic egg

and the holy barnyard

Silent Pop

After being fully cured of brain weevils
his brave and tortured feet trod meaningfully if not
magnificently towards the shopping mall
ready at last for the arcade of abundance

When a dancing sphere not quite
lighter than air but certainly greener and fatter
bounced along the road beside him
he recognised a portent as well as the next ape

Should he adopt it, or release it
back into the nearest ocean?

It swerved into the road and survived strikes
from not one but two vehicles before
silently popping beneath a third

It was certainly like something but what

Platinum Jubilee David

Holding his cigarette between his transition to
working again in book was asked by
every like champagne in celebration of the fabric
of the surveyor unafraid and generous
and beyond them him to
understand optics master for joy 

Some years later to get in contact with David the long
email chain to invite him to make a stained mythical
mythical awestruck utterly working in book
mythical 1980s Hollywood Thanksgiving
insatiably voraciously curiously
assured master for joy 

There have been few eyes
they are brown
because days going
resolved by thinking Deans in the end
brother Ptolemy appointed as David came to see
a guided three piece suit
and after that we became friends
Rufus in his school play of the hawthorn
bushes exploding my glass window
and in Yorkshire the hedgerows 

To film David smoking his young self
took a bit of convincing but in the end
a glass window like champagne in celebration
in surveyor of the fabric of
platinum David invited to make a stained Yorkshire
he resolved by thinking of
the long email chain the guided hedgerows
the blue greater pleasures of his poorly space

Some years later Ptolemy appointed
his native contact with David in Cabaret
of the hawthorn bushes exploding if he knew
the then Dean Abbey in honour of paint yourself
was asked by Rufus in his school play
was asked by scientists in their technologies 

Our family maxim "Inspiration she does just had
his 11th birthday"

Rufus in his three piece school play
Yorkshire a stained bore and
Westminster Abbey asked by the hawthorn bushes
to fetch a canvas dressed parents
exploding he resolved by thinking
brother Ptolemy newly guided like
our son Rufus like champagne in celebration
took a bit of convincing to invite him like
our son Rufus like champagne curiosity

To make fabric of the email chain
some years later in honour of the hedgerows
if he knew how to get the Abbey or how
to get in contact with the Queen's Platinum David

https://www.theguardian.com/artanddesign/2026/jun/12/david-hockney-remembered-artists-rachel-whiteread-jeremy-deller

https://cutuptechnique.com/

It Can't Walk Away

At the height of its elevation it looked six years old

At the height of its immolation it was nearly ten

At the depths of its dependence it had a mental impairment

At the depths of its ascendance it flourished as malnourished

The chosen child chose to be covered in sores

In the light of its destiny it was locked in the darkest cellar

In the light of its destiny it lived in the world's richest city

In the dark of its promise it lived on sawdust and scraps

In the dark of its promise it sat in its own sacred filth

The chosen child rejoiced in its sores

It huddled it hid it cringed in the corner

Living under threat of being cleansed and living in sunlight

Led to the memory of its womb figure's voice and a

life-not-lived, it squeaked "I will be good. Please let me out"

Los Ritual

She took the big plunge
I accompanied for the encouragement
the ice dive no wetsuit surface breaker
the local name escapes me

We walk back to the camp
She's shivering she's shaking but
- Don't touch me

The others, the fire mob
snort and scoff - Is it even
real if you didn't film it

That's when I started to untie the antique harpoon
from the wall

She shook her frosty curls like - Enough
of your nonsense

She'd undertaken the big dipper
and was free from us all

393 to Chalk Farm

He's just a normal dude who rides the bus
looking for signs like a regular guy
a stand-up sit-down scum of the earth type
I'm talking about myself in case. Now

Scratched on the seat in front are
new clues
I need your help to decode

1. Dara is a freshie
2. Nom is a Godod

Reply, reply. I await your device

Forever etched in chalk

He decided to hang up his darts
bin the arrows for good now
the line and length had gone down the dumper

Now the friendly pub banter had evolved into
mean-spirited barracking. They called
him an itchy twitcher, a wobble lobber, the
pant-wetting double dropper

Profanity had become
their lingua franca

Plus they crowded him. He could smell
the Monster Munch on their breath

'It's only the Weekend League Barry'

Also the fuzzy carpet triggered his
heart arrhythmia and tunnel vision

'It's only the Fox & Hounds Over 50s Baz'

Yes it was time to throw his arrows
down the well of amnesia

Also, being paid for a victory in ale
was an insult to a teetotaller

'You were so insulted you drank it anyway'

The Fish Question

I am a fish, and I am swimming
under a boat and I see a tasty
looking worm hanging from a hook,
should I eat it?

Swim away immediately!
That 'tasty' worm is trap called bait on spike.
You know spike? Ouch sharp metal demon
set by human, you know human right?
Your dad called them 'land monkeys'

If you nibble, a sharp metal hook
will pierce your pretty mouth,
and you risk being yanked out of the water
into a dry, oxygen-less environment. How will
you like that, hint not much Nemo. Snagged.
Glug glob choke. Become someone dinner.

Listen to your fishy instincts. Look
for shadows above, a ghostly wriggle.
Even if human is intend to let you go,
the trauma, scale loss, and injury from hook
can result in perfect lousy day
and make you easy prey
for bigger potatoes to fry.

Keep swimming fishfolks. Look for
real foraging grounds near structure and weeds.
Be smart, live long and shapeshift away.

Take the 3 minute quiz

You're not lazy - your brain is experiencing
functional freeze. I am lazy. And frozen.
You know everything you need to do
I do not know everything I need to do
but you cannot physically start. This
much is true. Starting a new routine every two
weeks I can start sometimes I can't stop
getting obsessed with a system but abandoning it
overnight. Wait what system. If you're struggling.
Yes I am struggling.
All human life is struggling.

You're not broken. Yes I am.
You're just stuck.
You're not broken. No I'm not.
You're just stuck. You say you're not broken.
But what if I am. What if. You're just stuck.
You're not broken. No you're not.
What if. You just suck.

The most famous non-famous person in London

We all used to see him parading
along Oxford Street. The
full-time human billboard "Protein Man"
who campaigned for the suppression of desire
who wished to dampen the libido by
the adoption of low-protein diet

He had porridge for breakfast
he advised against SITTING
ate steamed vegetables and pulses
prepared on a Bunsen burner
munched through a pound of apples a day

Stanley Green, known for
dietary-reform activism
Stanley Green, pamphleteer
and pedestrian

Prised for my Device

Can I help - hey!

She gripped my hand fiercely but I clung on to my phone.

No! No! I won't let you. She attempted to prise it from my grasp.

She didn't speak but grappled with determination as I writhed and dipped.
I hoped she didn't have a weapon such as a cosh or a metal comb.

It's only worth a fiver. That was my catchphrase.

Then give! She hissed, continuing to prise.

To my dismay I was taken up by her leather jacket
and bleached blonde hair, although her face
was brittle and shiny as a lemon moon.

I turned my back to her but she wrapped her
rabbit arm around my neck, and I inhaled the leather.

Still I wouldn't submit.

You're. Not. Getting it. 

(It had all my bird photos on it.
Over 200 different species.)

Stop wriggling.

I was an accomplished wriggler. Had been all my life.

I lifted the phone high. Look the screen's cracked,
and it's actually several years out of date.

A new tactic. She kneed me vigorously in the quadriceps.
It had been 40 years since victim of dead leg.

She is still prising. My eyes water a little, I will admit.
But now it is time to activate frenzy mode. The haystack,
the tornado. It's going to get messy.

You. Will. Not. Take. Me.

The Engine

The instant she started tearing
gleefully at the wrapping
paper I knew I had made
a terrible mistake but it was too late now.

- I'm so sorry.
- What is this?

It was a big red model train.

- It's a big red model train. Can we pretend this never happened.
- Why would you give this to me on our anniversary?

She trembled with the insult, the assault.

- I don't know what I was thinking, I'm so ashamed.
- If you want to play with trains that's up to you.
- I think I may have to kill myself.
- Don't be flippant.
- I'm being completely serious.

(We would both be better off if I was dead.)

The big red train sat on the carpet.
It was bigger and redder than I remembered.
Twice as big. Twice as red.
And I didn't want to play with it.

Metal Machine Music: The Anatomy of the Infinite Loop

1. A Glowing High-Frequency Sky

2. Overlapping Overtone "Ladders"

3. Acoustic Tremor and Phase Canyons

4. The High-Frequency Shift

Caroller at Mass (improv)

I was a perso at that point
not a coyote jack
hang wait on a min wait hang on
woo woo do you have hooves
don't come stomp in like that
we have stove to care fore
a pike and staff too less portent
still over the broom and never mind let's
recount three four five four you can
consider not you as a perso(n)
correct not correct

We've been through this, we are less
less than human thus less than humane
a critter substantially inhabiting the
confounded murky realm between
werewolf and vampire yet possessed
of entire diff genetic, don't worry
pretty so yr so-called head

One day soon don't laugh I/we/you will
fall in the water, not to break the ice
but because of matchstick century+++ leg###
century+++ leg### please read again
don't try to understand, and insult
or pretend of bone density for
the unborn, unforgiven, unbegotten

Drama? You like to raise drama now
sad point is we stuffed ancien dummies
are cellular incapable of revenge
stuck in centurial subspace
such then tech. escape hatch
plus then such oxygen deficit

The Gesture

As the end of my sessions drew near
it came into my head which I had learned
was poorly wired and liable to misfire
to present my patient
counsellor with a token of my gratitude 

For having listened to so many
weeks of my moaning and whining,
not to mention the groaning and wailing. 

Pressed for time I ducked into
the supermarket and grabbed the first substantial
item that manifested itself to me

Clutched it to my chest like a newborn
and hobbled along to the clinic.

And that is how I handed over
a 5kg sack of specialty potatoes

To Ms Piper while muttering my sweaty thanks
and suppressing the realisation I'd
neglected to pay for them.

She nodded and remarked that
across different cultures and historical eras,
the potato has shifted from an ancient agrarian deity
to a modern-day metaphor for quiet strength and grounding
and thus was an appropriate and touching gift 

Furthermore as a symbol of survival,
regeneration, and steadfast resilience
it signified that our work here was done.

Flaking Kingdom

I was at the loosest of ends
the people had voted for me to be
his official biographer
so that was how I ended up in his bedroom
the creaking zone

Walls stained with
scribblings none could decipher
daubed in crayon or soup while
bulbs swung bare from leather cords

His modest residence occupied and undecorated
for 25 years. The neighbours say he kept
himself to himself but reported
wives numbers one and two were really quite chatty

He himself sat smoking in the garden
hunched over and hammering
on a typewriter at all hours
while his cats prowled and brought tributes

Did you have a serving hatch

Yes we had a serving hatch
a hole in the wall between kitchen and dining room
for effective meal delivery, a
portal architecturally
known as a passthrough and

Great fun to climb through as a child
Maybe once as a bored adult when
no one was home

See also climbing over the baluster at the top of the stairs
and jumping onto the landing without bashing your head against
the wall or breaking an ankle
You had to make your own entertainment

But to return to the serving hatch
a feature particularly associated with the 1970s
along with the hostess trolley

Ours didn't have windows
or doors you could close
so when I was making
coffee in the kitchen that morning
I couldn't help but see
the shape
of the body
of my father
through the hatch
in the hospital bed
in the back room
where he spent his final night

Yes we had a serving hatch