Ivory Power more like

The decision of granting of tenure is a life long commitment
Oooooh I'm up for tenure mur mur muh

I left teaching because I couldn't get tenure
I stopped worrying about tenure
So it looks like I got my tenure

The rules have saddled colleges
with self-indulgent prima donnas
elbow-patch eggheads and smug becardiganed twerps
who seem to think they're philosopher kings

Checklist, I never leave home without
One, my laser pointer with five settings
it's a real ice-breaker with the sophomores

Tenure can be used as a club to wield against the powerless
O me! O life! I'm having a mid-term crisis
I mean, I have tenure. I really can say whatever I want

Two, reference management software
i.e. EndNote to manage libraries

Tenure in any department is a serious business
His tenure review is in three months
It means, essentially, employment for life
You can't get fired, even if you're bad at it?
He's trying to get an article in print
What does Gopnik say?

I mean, I have tenure and it's a terrible idea
Well I'm up for tenure this fall
I really can't say whatever I want

Three, leather bound notebook
it adds a touch of olde worlde class
yet remains entirely blank

I can really say whatever I want
I'm up for tenure at Columbia!
It keeps them around forever and they don't have to work hard
What does Gopnik think?
I'll be up for tenure in a few years. Does that count?

Four, my periodic table temperature-controlled mug
gifted me by a fellow Nobel Laureate

Professor Thurber loves to teach
but I really didn't want to become a professor
or get tenure or even teach or even exist

Maybe we don't have to wait for tenure. Maybe we
just say goodbye yellow brick road goodbye Harvard
or maybe we just have to wait to wait to wait for tenure

Five, I like to wear the full gown, hood, Tudor bonnet regalia
my track record of astronomical research
deserves a certain ceremonial grandiosity

I probably shouldn't be saying this on TV, but
a dual monitor setup is de rigueur
sure a stylus tablet, the stream deck and
to the extent that tenure supports ergonomic peripherals
a high-end USB microphone, and academic freedom, I support tenure

"I'm a tenured professor"
Congratulations. I'm so happy for you
Professor Thurber swears by Hagoromo fulltouch chalk and yet
the academic tenure process stands in the way of great research
Oh Donald you don't have to tell me about
the dramas played out in academic departments

I have a tenure joke, but you won't get it