My latest misadventures

Why always me, I thought as the last-remaining
Alcott barrier on the London network
clamped down on my back, it
was an honest midjudgement on my part
I'm sure they'll - ouch.

Extrication was an impossible task,
there was an ineffectual flailing of limbs
and a plaintive cry 'Excuse me. Can somebody help?'

Boots I saw muddy boots and a sarcastic
ha-ha look at this one
flapping like a crab with its claws taped up
you know the penalty for Fare Evasion son

Sir I am 57 years old.

We all saw you on CCTV trying to
scuttle under the Alcott
she's an unforgiving mistress isn't she?

What the hell. Can you just release -

My partner of course was nowhere to be seen,
and I could hardly blame her. She didn't need
to get mixed up in another one of my escapades
what with her professional standing. We would laugh
about it one day, maybe later this
very day, over a nice casserole and a glass of vino

* * * *

I'd purchased the not
inexpensive can of Qhoopass™ for an occasion such as this
popped the flap to see the liquid iron filings
slurp and assemble rather pleasingly, then ascend
my enemy's leg his chunky faux leather clad
treetrunk leg. Now, I thought, he
will rue the day. Oh he will rue it.
So long as he withheld his disbelief
long enough for the patent Qhoopass™
congealing process to render him paramagnetified 

* * * *

My pride and joy allotment crater
had flooded, so I tried to rescue the
latest cucumber crop. 

First things first I should alert my tidy wife
but the burning sun and the floods, the
exponential fruit and vegetable growth
it was all too much really. Whatever
you do don't panic

Stuffed some of my proud cucumber in my mouth
my fat mouth to test its resilience. A moist chew
and most delish to use a word my wife hated

I was going to offer a cutting of
this fast growing heritage gourd
to Annette my co-worker
but right now yes I should warn the others

To lend myself some dignity I donned
a straw hat and my vintage t-shirt
the one sporting the legend
Canned Iron Comedian
we all liked the way it hung on my dadbod

The water was rising and my top was wet
tried to pull it off over my head
but it got trapped in the straw hat
my mouth full to choking with fruit
or was it a vegetable, and I recalled

The words wise words of Wolsey: All
human activity is meaningless, and
struggle is futile boy

Some local children had spotted my pool
and began to frolic, good for them

* * * *

But once she found it charming the sweet talk
and the queer slang I used

She said you big dummy don't you see
how the whales and elephants
are looking down on us from their jungle perch

She was convinced they were spying on us
something to do with the refraction of light
nacreous clouds, the fata morgana

At first it seemed quirky cute later
frankly insane, plus she had the temerity
to say they were trying to burn the five statues
of our heroes the great ones our champions
the five true statues we'd been searching for all our lives

We had never been told their names
why do your sky creatures have it in for those guyz
oh, she said, you know they're guyz

I needed some new vocabulary to
pull down the ropes from the skyline