The Great Resignation

Meetings. All meetings. In person and on Zoom
- talking myself into the big decision

Annual appraisals and their associated goals and targets for the year ahead which we promise to revisit on a quarterly basis but never do
- talking myself up for the big decision

Going round the table and introducing yourself and briefly summarising what it is you actually do
- getting myself into the zone of decision

Having to apply for your own job after a restructure and being interviewed by your own colleagues/  friends and having to pretend they're strangers
- we're not doing this shit and other shit ever again 

Hotdesking and not being able to find a power cable/ mouse/ easily adjustable chair (maybe you should have brought them all with you)
- lucky to have a job in a cozy office, decent paycheck too

Polite conversations about what we did at the weekend / on our holidays (mind your own business)
- you think you're so special, just a loser like all the rest

Signing birthday cards / leaving cards and putting some coins / notes in a large envelope
- you think you're superior, you're better than all this? you would deny the social contract?

Taking part in the circle of awkwardness when it's time to give someone their birthday card/ present and having to make small talk and get all excited about cake
- this is pretty much the same as the last one, come on, stop the delaying tactics

Getting into the office an hour before everyone else but then feeling like you can't leave an hour early
- oh boo hoo, boo hoo, like that happened once every six months

Accidentally spotting a colleague on the tube and having to make conversation with them, or unconvincingly trying to avoid making eye contact with them
- you'll still be socially inept if you decide to leave you know

Desperately trying to stay awake during long afternoon meetings in warm, dimly lit, airless rooms
- your fault for staying up past midnight finishing that bottle

Having to walk half a mile (slight exaggeration) for a cup of water and/ or go to the toilet because your office is so huge
- it's corny but I am going to invoke 'first world problems' here

I AM TOTALLY AWARE OF HOW ALL OF THIS SOUNDS

Spending too much on a carb-heavy disappointing and expensive canteen lunch and then spending the afternoon drifting in and out of consciousness
- again, your (hungover) decision, I have no sympathy

Putting in a leave request and being told it clashes with another colleague's leave request and can you do different days
- yes, this is getting me going again, I won't have my life dictated to like this!

Being asked to do a short, informal presentation
- unacceptable (for a socially inept barely human creature) good point

Having an ancient work laptop that takes half an hour to start up and shut down
- invest in me or you won't get the best from me, or something

Nearly 20 years of grappling with the internal tools and systems that don't get updated and require endless workarounds - and being assured that improvements are imminent
- a specific and entirely justified complaint that may be tiresome but not entirely conducive to sympathy

Weekly 'routines' with your line manager; their associated notes and action points
- a mutually assured performance we both know is a ritual dance required by the Culture, words to that effect

Not being able to find meeting rooms because there is no logic to how they're named and then you find someone's in there having a long personal phone conversation
- an irksome slash niche detail, not a dealbreaker, do better

Despite being in a huge office, not being able to find a quiet place to have a personal phone conversation
- an annoyance post deskphones, although some people were happy to broadcast their private life all over the place (not me baby not me) which speaks more to your general loathing of 'the phone'

I AM TOTALLY AWARE OF HOW ALL OF THIS SOUNDS

Having to be here and do this from 9 to 5 (or thereabouts), five days a week and being pathetically grateful for small mercies like bank holidays because this is The Way Things Are
- now we're back on the right track

Only having been genuinely too sick to work about 5 days in nearly 20 years so having to fake an annual sickie or two just to give yourself a break
- I'm not sure what point you're making here
- think about the absolute pisstake others used to operate and when you had to cover for them

Having my personal Google drive clogged up with work documents
- an irritation, you have about 10 accounts, your fault for using the wrong one

*You* have my phone number. Why do *you* have my phone number and why are *you* using it now?
- let the record show that I did write this but can no longer remember what it refers to

Not being able to relax out of working hours when one of your areas has an event happening and knowing you could be texted about it on the off-chance you can fix something
- always 'on', need to be 'off'.
- but don't you get a kick out of being 'on', you said
- you never felt so alive some of those nights

Bosses assuming you'll be happy and willing to work out of hours on any of these numerous 'events' throughout the year
- yeah, yeah what about that, remember ------------------------!

Oh I see the boss was obviously awake at 6am and has something urgent to communicate via email
- the French wouldn't stand for it, why should I when you can't switch off?

The assumption you'll be happy to carry your laptop (plus cable and mouse just in case) from office to home and back again because you have more than one work location
- could come off a bit 'precious', best not to mention it

Politely joining in conversations about people's cats / babies
- see my previous point about the social contract, there's no future in this line or argument
- aka you're just a bit of a spazz
- can't say that
- i know

The overwhelming urge for a short nap at some point during the day
- you used to find a place to do that anyway you elite shirker

Losing the will to live and resolving to leave London every morning when you see how packed the tubes are
- this is, to be fair, a poignant point which must be regarded as crucial evidence

Losing the will to live and really this time deciding to leave London every evening when you see how packed the tubes are
- see my previous comments

Delays, sudden station closures (I don't mind a strike, you know where you are with a strike) and countless other familiar complaints about commuting
- again, this is the same point as already stated

Thinking you're the luckiest person in London because you got a seat in the morning for the first time in a year
- no further comment

I AM TOTALLY AWARE OF HOW ALL OF THIS SOUNDS

Falling asleep on the way home and never quite recovering for the rest of the evening
- are you trying to say "It's like you're always stuck in second gear,
well, it hasn't been your day your week your month or even your year."
- how dare you

Admitting you’re struggling to cope and being recommended some 'useful online resources'
- hello I'm actually losing my mind here!!!

Being at least 20 years older than any new starters
- pretty sad, let's wind this up now it's getting pathetic

Alternative title: I had a simple, well-paid job and I still resigned
- I did it, I did it