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Trying to find my original
"Bulletins from the Crypt of Osiris"
uncrawled pre-Flickr site from 2003
might as well be 1849
was I the Orpheotic Wing, or
does the Orpheus Chamber ring a bell? and no
I wasn't a Ukrainian-American opera singer

What ever happened to GeoCities?
'a clunky, creepy beast'
"Top Class Unlimited Free Web Hosting"
but Cindy Lee! with Diamond Jubilee!!
Wayback Machine no help either

Nostalgia miners and silver agers
look-back bores and the ruby glassed

All moments lost in time
like the email account I used to run it
later hacked and sold on the dark web
$600 for its supposedly attractive name
astronaut@gmail.com

Feel free to spam the fuck out of that

FMC, an overview

Federal Maritime Commission
Nej
Family Medicine Cares
いいえ
Flexible metal conduit
Não
Fixed mobile convergence
όχι
Fully mission capable
Nyet
Flexible manufacturing cell
Ne
Flight management computer
Ei
Fundamental modeling concepts
Non
Flash memory controller
Nein

There was a deadzone between
Weekend World and Sunday lunch
1978, 1979, 1980
I'm sure you remember it well
I was hiding out in my room having
acquired a primitive rolodex system
small sheets of paper and decided to fill
them with verse and lyrics, time
was tight LUNCH IS READY and they became
known in my minor kingdom as
FMCs which, here we go, stood for
Five Minute Compositions
first thought best thought WHERE ARE YOU
better still, no thought
I built up a library of hundreds
of hastily scrawled blasts and spurts IT'S GETTING COLD
which inevitably, reluctantly and correctly
were destroyed long long ago

And yet, in many ways,
as evidenced by this current undertaking
I still haven't progressed much
beyond those years
and no
I don't have ADHD, how insulting

0800 222 9911

Have you ever been
haunted (no you have not)
by a ghost from the future not even born yet
in your paper thin realm
trolled from a time post human extinction
it could only happen to you so-called
dead in your grave still tossing and turning
& scratching like a deviant
moldering and unquiet one hundred years now
and the whispers yes whispers from
the parallell (this is how we spell it now)
corridoor (see previous) keeping you
a-threshold in your very well deserved
sempiternal shelf of <throbbing> discomfort

Out here bebee the fourth dimension
swings in ways you cannot conceive so
don't test your pretty lil head
much of which is mush and thistle
but! you may be due compensation
for the futurama funnel imposition
a leakage episode beyond apology
under section bla bla
please submit your claim within 30 days
via the usual medium and
we shall endeavour to ensure
requiem aeternam thus ceasing
your infernal insomnia
yours the 3am committee

Gas

you still remember how you
read his face, how you
(thought you) saw in his face
something that was not quite right
still speaking superficially,
professionally mainstreaming with

eyes up down left right
and fingers shifty, fists gripped
while making a reasonable point
just like any other saturday
but lacking true engagement

it was already in him here, even
as he went about his routines
the ghost the absence the
appointments which won't need cancelling
messages which won't need writing

and it's already in you, can you feel its
suffocation yet can you taste
its annihilation it's coming now

We All Love a Happy Ending

In retrospect
once the ice was broken and
the conversation was flowing
offering to do an impression of
Dr Gunther von Hagens (he developed
the technique for preserving biological tissue
specimens called plastination, do I
have to explain everything, look him up ffs)
on our first date rather than
a familiar television personality, say
was a bold yes yes yes but flawed move

one that marked me out as
it could be argued #something of a a tit#
as I uttered the immortal phrase
and never mind how accurate
the vocalisation etc which it was actually
                                       get on with it

slightly high pitched and germanic
"they are not freaks (fweaks)
they are my
anatomical friends (fwends)"

  * * *  tumbleweed x1000 * * * 

((((it was as if the shame of it should outlive him))))

but that was 15 years ago
and we're still here, aaaaaahhhhh
so fuck you jim

My creatures speak to me

in words of comfort and wisdom:

bear - when you truly have the courage to dream you have the courage to act as well

giraffe - even if you don't achieve your goal, it doesn't mean failure of your efforts

wolf - the best things in life come at the most unexpected moments

white deer - don't look for miracles. you yourself are the miracle

raccoon - we will all become stars in the galaxy someday

lioness - even the most trying time passes eventually 

doe - you're not going to fit in with everyone. the great ones never do

polar bear - sometimes small things can stress you out

hare - no amount of worry can solve any problem

baby pig - there's no time limit to achieve your dream

lion cub - it's just a bad day, not a bad life

flamingo - even the longest tunnel has an end. hang in there

eagle - happiness is knowing I am going to get to see you

gazelle - if you want to be loved, love

fox - time doesn't heal anything. it just teaches us how to live with the pain

pirate crab - life begins at the end of your comfort zone

unicorn - do you have your own happy place? imagine you're there

whale - most of the things you can do today can be done tomorrow

peacock - don't compare yourself with others. you're perfect just the way you are

duck - direction is so much more important than speed. many are going nowhere fast

horse - let your soul expand. let your heart reach out to others...

capybara - real friends compliment you when you're not around

goat - what you think of yourself is much more important than what other people think of you

hippo - misunderstanding is easy, but understanding isn't

bear cub - don't wait for the world to change. change it yourself

occasionally, a little bland:

hedgehog - what's on your mind?

horse, again - tough, isn't it?

ostrich - someday never comes

moose - everything will be alright

baby chick - I will listen, I will care

donkey - learn how to laugh despite your worries

camel - begone, concerns

horse - tough, isn't it?

lion - how do you feel today?

raccoon, again - you can sit down for a while if you're tired

at other times, mildly inscrutable:

squirrel - dandelion seeds travel far as the wind can take them

elephant calf - sometimes we survive by forgetting

buffalo - I knelt because I needed momentum!

black panther - it's okay, even the sky cries sometimes

rhino - on rainy days, I think about you

panda bear - pat, pat

gazelle, again - try blinking your eyes slowly when you see a cat

icecream whale - sometimes the sweeter, the emptier. like cotton candy

skunk - some people are so unlucky that they don't even know they're living a hard life

doe, again - it's okay to step backward. you can see your footprints in front of you

bighorn sheep - take a simple idea, and take it seriously

tortoise - when you cry, I cry. when you laugh, I laugh

starfish - come visit on your sleepless nights

snow tiger - if there is no wind, row

peacock, again - you have wings on your back, I can see them

sometimes they are more challenging:

elephant - are you happy or just comfortable?

alpaca - sunshine all the time makes a desert

eagle, again - every flower blooms in its own time

cheetah - "I don't have time" is just an excuse

squirrel, again - it's okay to stop

desert fox - the god who made us and the god who we've made, which one should we believe in?

hare, again - don't follow someone else's map

sugar cube puppy - have you ever liked someone?

goat, again - I'll wish for a better today rather than a brilliant tomorrow

or fall into motivational cliche:

wild boar - when you get that feeling to go for it, don't hesitate

hyena - do what you really want to do

flamingo, again - you don't have to be the best, just try your best

blue hamster - you can do it!

wolf, again - it's important to do something every day, that will make you happy

buck - if you would take, you must first give

giraffe, again - only you can make it happen

and every now and then, demented:

harp seal - the alpaca looks so dapper with its sunglasses

lioness, again - I used to hate green peppers when I was little

bear, again - the pancake on the tiger's head. let's see who can eat it first

buffalo, again - let's not put off today's work. for example, eating cream bread!

they live on my floating oasis

                   my floating

                                   oasis

British films

are all about
spastic little brothers
having an eppy
in a seaside town

this is untrue
and offensive they are all about
whorish daughters
getting knocked up by the local
stage school
hoodlum

it has been  explained to me
that i should apologise for this, or
issue some sort of explanatory statement, as if
one other human being has even read it