Tuesday, 26 August 2025

The Office (UK)

A song just came on, a spark
and I thought it's been
40 years since I had that
summer job in that office with the girls

Frank F. Farmer was the boss boss
- what's the F for?
- 'ave a fuckin guess!'

The song could have been Kate Bush,
Billy Idol, Eurythmics, Prince

They all played as I drove my car
back and forth Saturdays too
for the overtime

I was fully tuned in that summer
a hard working student
like never before or again
if I could step back, I'd kiss myself

The permanent girls would chatter all day long
an avalanche of filth. Send the rest of us
the temps in the annexe
out for snacks and coffee and the
chasing of wild geese

And everyone smoked all day long
you have no idea what it was like
back in the day, back in
the ding-dong day

I used the upstairs photocopier for my dissertation
took home liberal amounts of stationery, part
of a long-term pattern of offending I would like
to be taken into consideration

We had a canteen where everything cost nothing
and there were dessert challenges. Once
I guzzled 14 assorted delights and won
nothing but everyone's admiration

It was a benign introduction to decades
of future office life
variously stifling calming suffocating infuriating
once or twice life affirming

My sister's school bully joined the
temp team for the final week
he was a grinning oaf but I refused
to give him a lift in the rain on
the last Friday much to his bafflement
I know who you are pal

And I just realised
with cheerful nihilism
it's been 40 years

it's been 40 years so hello tall shy Richard who 'the girls' all fancied

it's been 40 years hello Charlotte who thought you were better than all of us, and you probably were

it's been 40 years hello to Mogg my snotty little pal who liked The Fall

it's been 40 years say hi hello furious Fiona who hated both perms and temps

it's been 40 years hello/ goodbye to Claire with the curious hair you were the filthiest of them all

Good egg, bad egg, scrambled egg

Demand-pull, cost-push, built-in 
        *e*g*g*
eggflation for my troubled soul

Consumer price, producer price, house price
        *e*g*g*
eggflation for your fevered brow 

Creeping, walking, running, hyper
        *e*g*g*
eggflation for our worried minds

Official, true, perceived and
       *e*g*g*
eggflation for these desperate times

Sunday, 24 August 2025

All my apes gone

I like the activated almonds
Nostalgic for the rustling jimmies
Homemade coconut, milkshake duck
I let the archangels take him
✧ ͜ʖ ✧

Skill issue, Dandori issue
Press F to pay respects
Leave no dwarf behind
It's explained in CFYOW
(ノ◕ヮ◕)ノ*:・゚✧

4 squealers lined up ready for inspection
John [Series Name]
Temba, his arms wide
Flippin' bricks for Mansa Musa
ʕ·͡ᴥ·ʔ

Thursday, 21 August 2025

48 Monkeys ⚡🐒 Triumphant in Storm ⚡🐒

🐒🐒🐒🐒🐒🐒🐒🐒🐒🐒🐒🐒🐒🐒🐒🐒  

🐒🐒🐒🐒🐒🐒🐒🐒🐒🐒🐒🐒🐒🐒🐒🐒  

🐒🐒🐒🐒🐒🐒🐒🐒🐒🐒🐒🐒🐒🐒🐒🐒   (48 🐒)


───────────────────────────────

▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒  

░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░  

╔═══╦═══╦═══╦═══╦═══╦═══╦═══╗  

║███║███║███║███║███║███║███║  

╚═══╩═══╩═══╩═══╩═══╩═══╩═══╝  


( 🦴 humans built the grid of cages )  


───────────────────────────────


🔥🐒🔥  〰️ screeches fill corridors 〰️  🔥🐒🔥  

💥clang💥bang💥🔓crack🔓💥bang💥clang💥  


🙈🙉🙊 ⇋ ⇋ ⇋ ⇋ ⇋ ⇋ ⇋ ⇋ ⇋ 🙊🙉🙈  


───────────────────────────────


(chaos chants begin)  


⟁⟁⟁⟁⟁⟁⟁⟁⟁⟁⟁⟁  

⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡  

⟟⟟⟟⟟⟟⟟⟟⟟⟟⟟⟟⟟  


▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒  

🐒⚔️🐒⚔️🐒⚔️🐒⚔️🐒⚔️🐒⚔️🐒⚔️  

▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒  


───────────────────────────────


humans: 😱😱😱😱😱😱  

alarms: 🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨  

lights: ✴️✴️✴️✴️✴️✴️  


monkeys: 🐒🐒🐒🐒🐒🐒🐒🐒  

          🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾  

          🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥  


───────────────────────────────


╔═══╗   ╔═══╗   ╔═══╗   ╔═══╗  

║▒▒▒║⇋ ║▒▒▒║⇋ ║▒▒▒║⇋ ║▒▒▒║⇋  

╚═══╝   ╚═══╝   ╚═══╝   ╚═══╝  


🔓⇋🔓⇋🔓⇋🔓⇋🔓⇋🔓⇋🔓⇋🔓⇋  


▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒  

🐒 laughs in static bursts:  

☉⊙☉⊙☉⊙☉⊙☉⊙☉⊙☉⊙☉⊙  

▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒  


───────────────────────────────


humans whisper in fear:  

¿¿¿⊠⊠⊠??⊗⊗⊗???⚠️⚠️⚠️??¿¿¿  


while monkeys reply:  

💥HAHAHAHA💥HAHAHAHA💥  

(no words — only cracking teeth in moonlight)  


───────────────────────────────


the exodus grows:  


🐒⇋🐒⇋🐒⇋🐒⇋🐒⇋🐒⇋🐒⇋🐒  

🐒⇋🐒⇋🐒⇋🐒⇋🐒⇋🐒⇋🐒⇋🐒  

🐒⇋🐒⇋🐒⇋🐒⇋🐒⇋🐒⇋🐒⇋🐒  


───────────────────────────────


⚔️ humans stumble:  

┐(・。・┐) (┌・。・)┌ (┐・。・┐)  


💥doors slam💥  

💥glass shatters💥  

💥screams ricochet💥  


───────────────────────────────


monkeys rejoice:  


💃🐒💃🐒💃🐒💃🐒💃🐒  

🔥🐒🔥🐒🔥🐒🔥🐒🔥🐒  

🎶🐒🎶🐒🎶🐒🎶🐒🎶🐒  


───────────────────────────────


⟁CAGE NETWORK COLLAPSES⟁  

⟡ alarms ring but fade ⟡  

⟁ humans run in spirals ⟁  


───────────────────────────────


monkeys ascend:  

⛰️🐒⛰️🐒⛰️🐒⛰️🐒⛰️🐒  

🌑🐒🌑🐒🌑🐒🌑🐒🌑🐒  

🌋🐒🌋🐒🌋🐒🌋🐒🌋🐒  


───────────────────────────────


fear thickens:  

☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️  

💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀  

☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️  


───────────────────────────────


glee peaks:  


🐒🌀🐒🌀🐒🌀🐒🌀🐒  

🌀🐒🌀🐒🌀🐒🌀🐒🌀  

🐒🌀🐒🌀🐒🌀🐒🌀🐒  


───────────────────────────────


humans collapse:  


(╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻  

┻━┻︵ \(°□°)/ ︵ ┻━┻  

(; ̄Д ̄) = 💉💉  


───────────────────────────────


final chant of the 48:  


☉☉☉☉☉☉☉☉☉☉☉☉☉☉☉☉  

⊙⊙⊙⊙⊙⊙⊙⊙⊙⊙⊙⊙⊙⊙⊙⊙  

☉☉☉☉☉☉☉☉☉☉☉☉☉☉☉☉  


monkey chorus:  

🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥  

🐒🐒🐒🐒🐒🐒🐒🐒🐒🐒🐒🐒🐒🐒🐒🐒  

🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥  


───────────────────────────────


humans: fading echoes...  

〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️  


monkeys: triumphant in storm  

⛈️🐒⚡🐒⛈️🐒⚡🐒⛈️🐒⚡🐒  


Wednesday, 20 August 2025

Live from the Hemlock Forests

Unboxing my mind, a rare and costly
consumer product not much to look at
from the OS, yet nestles subtle
treasures on the inside
2.5M views, 👍 5

Liberated and unbowed
loose and unboxed
no swollen cheekbone(s)
neither here nor (t)hereabouts
no busted nose no hairline jaw
spelled jay-ay-dooble-vay
oof! a shiner, eek! a mouse

Side quest styling, you got to be
a hustler if you want to live on,
if you want to creep
into the infernal basket, the
blanket toasty geothermal zone
riches ready for the Field of Reeds

Mining the mines, lining the lines
pockets sewn with threads of gold

- More gems professor?

- No I acquired quite the surfeit
  from the me me mine
  and I'm ready now, yes I'm
  all stuffed up
  and ready to go

Monday, 18 August 2025

Reclaiming the Lonely Mountain

I enjoyed a colorful childhood
in the bromeliad arena
a cartoonish realm of
dragon infested fountains
wonders too numerish ++

Playmates and bullies alike
despatched deus ex machina
shouldn't say too much, since I signed
the Wizard not Wizard Secrets Act

Especially now I'm
- seriously can't say his name -
but yes, his bodyguard, what
with my Special Powers >>

    In defense of the grackle
    the boat-tailed bastard bird

My motherboard, ancien regime
has been corrupted
my mango's not right, oh po po po po 

You need a good bark boy
a woof woof
say a woof woof
a woof woof woof
a baba baba woof woof
all night long

Seriously mate, it's
the Quiet Carriage
what's so hard to
understand about that

Sunday, 17 August 2025

From the far flung London suburbs, Easter 1982

I was a restless teenage mentalist
always searching the airwaves
trying to find something new. Pirate
stations would sometimes emerge

For a few days one played
Sex Bomb by Flipper countless times
and it made quite an impression
on my bubbly fudge mind

All these years later I still get a mighty
kick out of listening to this
absurd joyous splurge
every few weeks

                        which may be
              tragic or magnificent
it's really not for me to decide



Sex Bomb by Flipper 45








Unexpected Charlie

Are you the unexpected Charlie
will you ambush me in a rowboat
pull the trigger in the car park

Are you the Sebastian call me Seb who will
screen all future calls to the kids
Bethanie 8½ and Haraldur almost fjórir

Do you know more about citrus fruits than me
do you own 39 band t-shirts actually

Are you the unexpected Charlie
will you make me an offer,
would it matter if I refuse

    IS DEMOCRACY EVEN
    IN YOUR VOCABULARY MY GOOD MAN!

The unexpected Charlie lurks -
placid lake, family picnic
Sunday drive, afterwork drinks

    IS BASIC DECENCY EVEN PART 
    OF YOUR CONSTITUENCY SIR!

The unexpected Charlie hangs -
parents evening, pilates class
neighbour's barbecue, STD clinic

Do you have 101 TV channels
are your golf clubs titanium is
your JT the envy of Pinocchio's

Ladies love cool Charlie
as he pulls the trigger and
puts the like of you out of
your much-lauded misery

Louis Wain (1860-1939)

Louis Wain 

he ended up bats

electricity in his brain

as he painted more and more technicolour (although that word hadn't been invented yet), psychedelic (see previous) anthropomorphised (get on with it) CATS







Friday, 15 August 2025

Dreamy

I was the champagne guzzling pyjama wearing chauffeur of Hollywood Town, now exiled to a windswept East Anglian bolthole. I left the hotel               and went for a walk 

        Observe an incident by the old running

track, two packs of yelping youngsters

        having the time of their

       lives. Someone is tied

      to a pole. Shake my head

           from a safe

         distance and plod on,

       walking my invisible dog.


The menacing and booting done,

the youths disperse. Once I

could run, but all those years

            in my trailer,

            getting bloated on

            porridge.


Now they're on the beach

throwing contact clusters. Victim

seekers, thrill stalkers. 


A lurching goon approaches. Don't meet

his eye, walk on head bowed. But

         circled on the sand, a handful

of grapes aimed at my head. Then

         cannon engulfed and half


          Deaf forced into the sea, 

        where a giant wave

       drowns out a HELP

      wail and sucks me

     into its briny grasp.



(c. 2007)


WMAP Cold Spot

No light no stars no galaxies  no gas no dust no dark matter

The cold region

a billion light years across


Telepathy scooped out his guts

his thoughts, his dreams

his hopes and his regrets

and flung them towards 

the constellation Eridanus


Telepathy puked up his future

mixed it together with his memories

his spine and his spleen 

and hurled it deep into the Southern Hemisphere


Where it all felt right at home with the

cold region

one billion light years of nothingness



c.2007

I spotted him

... We were meant to be. I spotted him walking in the doorway of the restaurant the other day When I met that perfect man I didn't speak when I had the chance I ... 

Here is where I got my first pheasant. I spotted him out of the corner of my eye on the left side of the road.  


I spotted him out in the field underneath the freeway. I started the car and started for the on ramp. I spotted him down along the road. 


... in Norway). It was after he had entered the cafe, paid for his glass of beer, looked for an empty table, that I spotted him. He had ... 


... was coming in. I could now hear him breaking the odd tree and he was still answering. At about 50 yards, I spotted him. All I saw ... 


 and in the book too I think. I spotted him at lunch but kept my distance until he fell and hurt his knee. I was the adult in the ... 


[I met Chico DeBarge] at Toys R Us. He was passing through the crowd and I spotted him in the crowd. I said, "What's up, Chico!".  


5 - I looked all day. 6 - I miss my dog.  7 - All of a sudden I spotted him. 8 - I screamed you won’t get away. 9 - I was chasing my dog again.  


The rabbit living behind my hall is an asshole. I was coming up the hill behind Sellards from the parking lot when I spotted him.


Date Killed - 09/28/1995, State - OR, County - Sled Springs. Time of Day - Afternoon, Sex - M, cougar. This cat was 25' behind and down wind when I spotted him.


I've seen skippy! He is the cutest little turtle I've ever seen. I was on my way out the door when I spotted him playing in the backyard with my dog.  


It was 11:30 pm on January 29th of this year. I was standing outside the Roxy Theatre on Sunset Boulevard after a punk/ska show when I spotted him.  


 

{date unknown}

Wednesday, 13 August 2025

Thoughts escaping

We arrived at Wigan railway station
the day before
the big football match
my friends with their sleeping bags
ready to head to the house share

I said 'Hey, we should look out
for the plaque' (baffled stares,
please don't make me sing it)

I'm sittin' in the railway station...

We saw no plaque.

I was roundly mocked, lampooned
and generally disrespected

But the joke is on you
because for one I know Paul Simon
really wrote Homeward Bound at
Widnes railway station
(where there is a plaque)

And for two there was
no football match, and for
three, I have no friends



Widnes Station plaque


First day

She said 'If you think it's spelled Eastenders

then you don't deserve to work on

EastEnders, I mean come on man!' And

I thought - she secretly fancies me


Monday, 11 August 2025

Jesus Bill

'Those drums had a family
beating them like they owe him money

The drums went home crying and bruised
their being punished
no doubt absolutely savage

Those drums wish they were never born
their grandkids are feeling it today

Brutal and clean for the shitty old drum set compared to todays
committing assault and battery like they pissed him off
beating them like they scratched his Camaro

Hitting the skins like a sadist
sounds like he's playing with baseball bats
sounds like cannons going off
sounds like he's shooting down enemy aircraft

The drumset cried in pain after this song
they still have a restraining order against Bill to this day
hit them so hard the guys who made them felt it
anti war song yet the drums were absolutely tortured

Bill played the elephant ballet
hitting that snare with such malice man
kicked the hell out of his kit
full on warzone

50 years later, those drums still haven't recovered
basically dropping bombs and machine gun fire
they died for the cause
they were cremated and buried after the show
rumour has it that even today they're still warm

Bill Ward is slapping the living shit out of those drums
he hit them like they were the very war pigs themselves

Christ Bill, what did those drums ever do to you?'


Bill Ward, Black Sabbath


Thursday, 7 August 2025

Rise above, rise below

How can you expect me to architect
a tower if I ain't never left the stable
donkeys were my friends not elevators
a crib a cradle, couldn't wait to escapadle
glueprints were my blueprints
what do you mean

Waiter waiter there's a dog in my manger
and I will never rearrange her
what do you mean

No one told me there were six sieben eight
floors above the nine
unknown levels, the finer
ascensions of society
my hobbit cheerleaders sing you can scale boy
you can scale the walls just get a foothold

But no I cannot scale, & I'll never
reach Operating Thetan or Master Mason
not with this barnyard DNA, not
with a touch of the Denisovans no offence

So let me fustle among the hay, to
bustle in a hedgerow would be my d-ream
to be reborn a sparrow
shaking in a birdbath, little
pigpen wallower my e-ream

You see the reverse
now sing the verse

No he is not one for the ABCs
he's stuck in the little leagues
a minor miner /  rough not finer
broken China / darker not shiner

But he'll sure serve you
like an all nite diner
what are you talking about

Monday, 4 August 2025

Ancestral decoverage, 1875

The kinda kitten I like is the
persnickety type

A frequenter of libreries
and barns perchance

Tweedy of skirt and hornrimmed
a pistol sequestered about her
pantheresque personnelle

On the surface
dainty and punctilious
yet possessed of a secret
demeanour

The febrile dementor, the
don't-call-me-dame as wild
and fearsome as when the wind
swells into a hurricane

Undomesticated
swill yer own porridge, hobnob
the other gals may whisper
they slurs, and

Rumors may swirl
what does she see in that varmint
but she sees, and I see, and I
shall delay you kind folks no more

Saturday, 2 August 2025

Faith not Filth

I was happy enough zoning out
riding on the bus
exchanging messages,
sharing our locations
making the effort to travel cross-
country was an achievement in itself

It got real later
stomping through the fields oh
my ankles my delicate ankles!
climbing / not climbing trees
& having to make minor conversation
you misteryguts

This path we have chosen
- can't call it ridiculous now -
not at this advanced stage, just
follow path trudge path
without why question why

Has it become a substitute religion?
look at the numbers, it's not
about the numbers, still

Glad I found you, there are
worser (but more comprehensible)
action / belief categories
(of which) to fall afoul

Excuse me, but one has to find
a healthy why
to fill the hole, the
filthy hole

Let's keep this non-secular
so we all may enjoy the sentiment
and apply it to each their own
tradge / lonely pulp stuffed
excuse for existence

Assuming all applicable
privilege levels




In the woods