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Annibel Kollektor

I broke my fucking windpipe over you
I broke my hymen riding a unicorn
I broke her heart and it burns my so-called soul
I broke my trunk, my bent elephant story

I broke my boyfriend's heart a lot to the point where
he doesn't want to trust me ever again,
but he's given me one last chance. should I try
to make up for everything or just leave?

BE THAT as it may I broke my wife and I don't think she is fixable
EXCUSE ME I broke my Oyster card, redundant at Euston

I bent my Wookiee, and was remanded in the custody
I cracked my phone now screen and mind are glitching
but we all have mint sprigs, orange rosette,
and freshly grated nutmeg o' the season boys

SURE I busted my lip at a wedding;
dancefloor, punchup, nevermind
YEAHH I busted my lip at a sports dome
(unspecified, puck involved) 

I pop my knee should I worry. no,
likely gas bubbles in the joint
I pop my ears all the time, not the same
I can crack my knuckles a
thousand calcium seconds how about that

I broke my leg in French
je me suis cassé la jambe, see
then yes and I taught myself German, also
blah blah Bein gebrochen

A broken ankle usually takes 6 to 8 weeks to heal,
but it can take longer
a fractured noggin usually takes 300 to 5000 stages to heal,
like you'll ever get there

The Handsomest Young Man in England

I stood
in front
of my class

and cried
biscuits
over you

squirting out
my elegant tears
like fish eggs

while you
took selfies
in a muscle shirt
that read

'Don't be such a mermaid'

c.2015

Master of Kisses

get your things together

I choose the right clothes at the right time

slumped on a terrace is a lovely young lady

who wants a couple kissing as the result

I sat there bobbing on my own in my boat

almost scary :)

we have this afternoon to tell him though :)

was not meant as humor

upon seeing the leaves torn off the disappointment

begins with the minimum expectation

is not it about time the bubble become affiliated 

you guessed it ... 

am not recommended to visit "at night"

will be back as a newfangled bungler

brain elbow crawls deep in the ass and go to Norway

he had me vomit of disgust on his neck

but the beating of the culprit has taken place

was not meant as humor

you know women always hit the good chord with our men

they always go for the sacrifices of hunting wretch

two old men ehh now very sad

drooling for TV

all the hostages are archived

know I have no seat belt, car do what I want

sometimes I wonder where is the mind?

explain, explain

c. 2017

A Walking Shadow

I used to write letters, I used to sign my name
The guarantee that we will die of boredom
The house that has become your biography
Photographs that no one took and memories that no one has
I know every inch of that neighbourhood
So permanent and blank and true
He thought he saw a garden-door
The lost lane-end into heaven
Nothing happened, twice
The second biggest cause of death among the English
The monstrous drama in his miserable little soul
What it feels like for a robot to grow up
All they are doing is talking to ghosts in the suburbs
Shards of messianic time hidden in the built environment

On the 29

- are you all right back there guys?
- no problem pops, good idea taking the bus
- you can see so much from up here
- I gotta say it and I will say it, the weather's so mild
- very mild mom, for the time of year
- oh stop it
- a pretty nice day for Christmas Eve honey

- look at that old engraving, it says Female Orphanage
they're noticing things better than me

- what a mess this is along here
I couldn't agree more, but we haven't got time to go into the
tortured history of the HS2 railway project and
its endless scarring of the landscape

- wow what's that beautiful building?
I wanted to tell them it was the art deco Carreras Cigarette Factory,
a striking example of early 20th Century Egyptian Revival architecture
with its two gigantic effigies of black cats flanking the entrance.
I did some work there a long, long time ago

- was the Freud House around here honey?
- no, that was around the back streets, hard to find
- and the Dickens house
- guys you've seen them all
I haven't even seen them and I've been here 30 years

now it's all about Aunt June
- you know she's only 76
- yeah but acts like she's 90, so cranky!
- she does have such smooth skin though
- she's always eaten a lotta fish
- they say 70's the new 50 dad
- well what does that make me, I'm 71!
- yeah but you act younger, like maybe 70
- oh funny, we got a funny guy back there

please don't get off at Camden Town
- ok guys, we gotta get off here
- hold on pops
- yeah yeah I'll race you

    take me with you guys
    take me away for Christmas

Straight up love and theft, credit captainkangaroo4301

"The Kid Charlemagne referred to
in this song was my old friend Bear.

I remember his four way windowpane in the early 70's
was kitchen clean.

I met him on Grateful Dead tour
55 years ago and remained friends.

He became a silversmith later in life
and made belt buckles for me and my wife.

He was killed in a car accident
in Australia a decade or so back.

Still miss him. 

His life is worth exploring.

He was Owsley Stanley and he was
one of the coolest cats to breathe air."

Why I don't dance anymore (James Brown pt. 3)

At the long dining table entwined or somehow melted into the candelabras
were the decorative remains of several twisted seven inch singles
the nearest of which I traced the spherized and twirled title
'Angelo Badalamenti' and stuck for an entrée
with my unknown left-sided colleague I muttered something
in supernatural fool mode about Twin Peaks and we struck up a music rapport
and soon it was all Minutemen and Black Flag
her being American of an appropriate vintage
and I was all gushing because she'd seen them both

Fast forward to Paris my friend confessed he held a long burning candle for her
and after consulting various unreliable male opinions he was naturally egged
on to declare but she was horrified and put him in his place
he claimed she was a cold fish stern also
ungracious with a raisin face whatever that means

Rewind and I'm wearing a crash helmet the Beatles
or someone very much like them are on stage and then I'm
claiming to be Jimmy Greaves and dancing with the hottest
girl in the office the one who they all laugh at because
she's so posh uptight and humourless but I choose to believe
shy and mysterious and now James Brown's
playing but he's not on stage I'm gone baby far gone and I perform
this one-off move where I crash to the floor
and bounce straight back up and raisin girl's arched eyebrows
from the edge of the dancefloor says it all

Six foot three Dean who came as a famous serial killer
and carried a twelve inch plastic knife in his inside pocket
was mugged by his taxi driver on the way home
while I rose the next day clean as a werewolf

QRx17 (2018)

And you'll sit here

You'll need a rotary organiser
you'll want a wide entry tray trolley 
combining qualities 
of funtionability durability and impropriety

you may require a 3 tiered tower
in ssmoke, slate or bu     rgundy
you may appear straight, staggered
and reversed, but
holiday forms and first aid box
are within easy reach

coordinated, incorporated; set 
down on mulberry 
hyperventilation carpet tiles

hemmed in by antistatic rays
in the apres mid - not 
anticipating a cooler moment and not 
in the market for backstairs fagbondage

settling in
with your helpful colleagues 
installed in 
your ergonomic pod
11 years old again and always
reverting to type, always
reverting to typing your way
under the fence and into the wire

- from a lost file, 2000

Cally Colour Chart

Turtle Slime
Satan's Volcano
Lisa Pontecorvo 1944-2008
Gentrification
Edith Garrud 1872-1971
Breakout
Separate System
5am Drowsy Night Bus

Free your mind from primitive tribal obsessions
Your right to continued existence
White poppy
Lily clouds
Dawn two days later
Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder
Immaterial labour
Campaign for Nuclear Disarmament
Anxious road-side
Action sequence
Tax free search engine
Flower stem
A crime of passion
Ruth Ellis 1926-1955
Identikit facial composite system
In quicklime laid
Your taste predicted to maximise profit
Low moon rise
Day dream
Mirky windows
Priced out

The star and garter
Chronic want
Slaughterhouse
Speculative building
they walk by grades
The end of the line
The sun which never sets
save our city
Broken-down gentlemen
liquid land
Congealed culture

the negation of life which has become visible
fifty-two hour working week
Essential transience
Cattle drovers
Black breathing fissure
Dismembered servicemen in a poppy manufacturing warehouse
Norwegian Ice
Emery cloth

Glass-paper

Washing blue

Black lead

Chalk Road

grass not glass
mass nonviolent civil disobedience
The terrors of "victory"
a pacifist vision of a nonviolent world
The Women's Peace Crusade
15 minutes to annihilation
Flat headed bull necked and undersize

The little red Schoolbook

only as a shadow of a speculation

all of reality is made up of force itself

passing a direct electric current through an ionic substance
decomposition potential
The induced electromotive force in any closed circuit is equal to the rate of change of the magnetic flux enclosed by the circuit

Slashing the Rokeby Venus
Cat and Mouse Act
Interceptions and clearances
Promising possession in midfield
In whatever cold struggle

Wetly, tightly together

Pavement erupts on fire

Oscar Wilde
Upstream and Me
Silver Mo
Camden Castle
Suspicious Power
The Angels Veiled Sister
Dawn Two Days Later
Star Shine Sorbet
Strawberry Strobes
Blie Blood
Lost in her thoughts
She consoles him
Ragstone
Labouchere
Air of Arrogance
Darkness at Noon
Oxblood tiles

Marshmallow Clouds

Midnight Zephyr

Passion

FAST
Wooden Shoe
Enlightenment
Liquidator
We stare at the screen
Canal Path
Campaign for mercy
redcurrant shirts
Sodium sunset
Streetlight

Crescent Cream
Pearly Royal
Grass is Greener
Hopeful
Traffic Fume Drab
Flightpath
Treaty Forever
Sunglasses
Checking lipstick
Hopeful
CLOCKWORK
Heidi’s Dream
Standard issue denial
Watermelon
Zero carbon public transport
Summer Sky
Old Bill
Love
China Cup & Saucer

He lay on my banks and looked down at me
Canal basin
No flag
Night howl
Niphaminous

Front Door

As the language of fumes
Volunteer T-Shirt
To the attention of all citizens
Mental Ron
Jean's Sunshine
Children's children

Low Tax Websafe Azure

Song of the Constructor

Who because he lacks a concrete home, can find no authenticity who beat cancer and became a squeak who was left by fate with one eye who refuses to take a workaday job in order to rescue himself who loves the work of his own hands and manufactures his own grace who gently begged for a corner in this restaurant who falls in love with a dying prostitute at the nightclub who complimented Louis XVIII after having flattered Napoleon who drowns in a river and finds his soul transmigrated into a cockroach who found a “text” at the San Mateo coast in northern California who burned Keats-like in a flame snuffed out before its time who is developing even into his eighties who sat next to Baron Rothschild at a dinner who is hounded to death by politicians who recited a panegyric in honor of a liberal king who despite terrible losses, endured and came to produce a uniquely mystical vision who loses touch with reality and is forced to balance his real life with Force 12 who falls in love with the Sleepwalker, who is actually the spectre of the Sleepwalker who takes refuge from the world by hiding out in a department store who buys a remote hotel in an area where it rains 287 days of the year who wants to end the eternal ailment of his 'life' by sharing in its ending with someone who is similarly afflicted who crossed the desert in search of an unknown woman who revisits his childhood when he learns that he is going to have a baby who is trying to recapture a world which vanished eons before his time who tries to express himself through his art while living in an age of ignorance who would rather die than be without the woman he loves who is deceived into falling in love with a mechanical doll who shoots himself after another man marries the woman he adores who made even the Romantics' lives seem dour & dull who becomes an overnight sensation after false news of his death gets people interested in his work who goes from beggar to millionaire in a single day who becomes a victim of his own popularity

c.2020

not load bearing but enshrined

femmes skull measuring meet-up?
the tb in tbh stands for tuberculosis
violating the blobfish
Wallet phOne Wkeys Egg Egg (backup)

"what ails you" to my dog everyday
*takes a bite of rotten cow liver
and that's on cream of mushroom soup
what about your character is admirable

might as well be envious of trees swaying in the wind
the mark of a certified mind general
you have been kicked from the grand vizier chat
me larping as a deep sea isopod

we're burning you at the stake, Stanley
you're not 'eepy, you're 20 and unemployed
I was just diagnosed with needing a one dance
girl... what were YOU doing at the devils sacrament

you look like you got your son from lootcrate
one day we will saute the horrors
Cole's Slaw is cabbage that has been mistreated
pack it up boys, we made a social blunder

I think you're as great as cookies
have you tried doing the dishes about the problem
I can hear the nirnroot chimes coming from a 5'4" officer's holster
*opens desk drawer revealing a tiny, bustling city

camera pans to a dog in a lab coat high up on a distant ledge
what does submarines do all day?
my boyfriend ate my vitamins
the obelisk: I, too, am obliterating many worlds

        a long pensive drag from my mahogany pipe
        fills my lungs with a warm cloud of crack

I'm not a robot

select all images with traffic lights
select all images with bridges
select all squares with a motor bike
select all images with fire hydrants

select all images with stairs
select all images with a bus
select all squares with crosswalks
select all images with bicycles

select all images with watering troughs
select all images with a goat carcass
select all squares with a poultice of figs
select all images with mandrake plants

select all images with toasting forks
select all images with carved angels
select all squares with a ceremonial pike-blade
select all images with a charnel house

if there are none, click skip
if there are none, click skip

"There's a lot of narcissism in self hatred"

Self hatred is a coping mechanism & a result of severe trauma.
Not a philosophical talking point imo.

If youve ever gotten to know a narcissist, you’d know that pompous, delusional self aggrandizement is just a coping mechanism for supermassive insecurity and self hate.

In narcissism, the "Ego" is central. In chronic self-hatred, the "Ego" is trampled, cowering in a dark corner.

Self hatred is just disguised narcissism. it involves
thinking about yourself too much and overestimating
your importance in other people's lives

I often tell myself this to get out of a spiral, it works most times haha

One parent says they are absolutely nothing,
completely worthless and the other says they are amazing,
beyond fantastic. The parents live on in their head.

Some1 explain plz

Yeah cause you think you matter, lol

An incredibly stupid statement

That's wild. Never thought of it like that.

Small, hollow puff pastry case

Nobody likes my shoes

Chicken legs, vol-au-vents, cheesecake
Jingles, cabaret, Merseybeat
Jesus, but I cannot tear myself away from them

They took pride of place
on every afternoon tea-table during the 70s

Aux Abricots
à la Chantilly
de Palates de Bœuf
aux huîtres natives

They're old-fashioned, but I don't care
because they taste so good!

How about pulled pork
coronation chicken
some sort of mushroom soup
strawberry jam or lemon curd

A cockney burglar (Dennis Waterman) and his cronies take
cover after a safecracking at a posh suburban wedding

Impressive little desserts, experiencing a resurgence
filled with crayfish
quenelles de volaille, and all
slathered in a rich, brown crayfish bisque

"No man can live on vol-au-vents alone" - JCC

Old Puffing Billy

From the highest level of our exclusive resort
there was a ladder you could climb down
not even slightly dangerous I'm sure
to reach excuse me the private beach

Where we'd witnessed horses frolicking in the surf
it seemed too idyllic for the likes of us and yet
here we are clumping down the aluminium rungs
onto the sand, hand in hand 

Exploring this pristine zone, silent
and majestic, we come across the
bloated corpse of a puffer fish who
we name in our glory/ignorance

Puffing Billy, and whose graphic icon is now
recognised as the figurehead
of our globally successful surf clothing and accessories range
including wetsuits, swimwear and rash guards

The Great Resignation

Meetings. All meetings. In person and on Zoom
- talking myself into the big decision

Annual appraisals and their associated goals and targets for the year ahead which we promise to revisit on a quarterly basis but never do
- talking myself up for the big decision

Going round the table and introducing yourself and briefly summarising what it is you actually do
- getting myself into the zone of decision

Having to apply for your own job after a restructure and being interviewed by your own colleagues/  friends and having to pretend they're strangers
- we're not doing this shit and other shit ever again 

Hotdesking and not being able to find a power cable/ mouse/ easily adjustable chair (maybe you should have brought them all with you)
- lucky to have a job in a cozy office, decent paycheck too

Polite conversations about what we did at the weekend / on our holidays (mind your own business)
- you think you're so special, just a loser like all the rest

Signing birthday cards / leaving cards and putting some coins / notes in a large envelope
- you think you're superior, you're better than all this? you would deny the social contract?

Taking part in the circle of awkwardness when it's time to give someone their birthday card/ present and having to make small talk and get all excited about cake
- this is pretty much the same as the last one, come on, stop the delaying tactics

Getting into the office an hour before everyone else but then feeling like you can't leave an hour early
- oh boo hoo, boo hoo, like that happened once every six months

Accidentally spotting a colleague on the tube and having to make conversation with them, or unconvincingly trying to avoid making eye contact with them
- you'll still be socially inept if you decide to leave you know

Desperately trying to stay awake during long afternoon meetings in warm, dimly lit, airless rooms
- your fault for staying up past midnight finishing that bottle

Having to walk half a mile (slight exaggeration) for a cup of water and/ or go to the toilet because your office is so huge
- it's corny but I am going to invoke 'first world problems' here

I AM TOTALLY AWARE OF HOW ALL OF THIS SOUNDS

Spending too much on a carb-heavy disappointing and expensive canteen lunch and then spending the afternoon drifting in and out of consciousness
- again, your (hungover) decision, I have no sympathy

Putting in a leave request and being told it clashes with another colleague's leave request and can you do different days
- yes, this is getting me going again, I won't have my life dictated to like this!

Being asked to do a short, informal presentation
- unacceptable (for a socially inept barely human creature) good point

Having an ancient work laptop that takes half an hour to start up and shut down
- invest in me or you won't get the best from me, or something

Nearly 20 years of grappling with the internal tools and systems that don't get updated and require endless workarounds - and being assured that improvements are imminent
- a specific and entirely justified complaint that may be tiresome but not entirely conducive to sympathy

Weekly 'routines' with your line manager; their associated notes and action points
- a mutually assured performance we both know is a ritual dance required by the Culture, words to that effect

Not being able to find meeting rooms because there is no logic to how they're named and then you find someone's in there having a long personal phone conversation
- an irksome slash niche detail, not a dealbreaker, do better

Despite being in a huge office, not being able to find a quiet place to have a personal phone conversation
- an annoyance post deskphones, although some people were happy to broadcast their private life all over the place (not me baby not me) which speaks more to your general loathing of 'the phone'

I AM TOTALLY AWARE OF HOW ALL OF THIS SOUNDS

Having to be here and do this from 9 to 5 (or thereabouts), five days a week and being pathetically grateful for small mercies like bank holidays because this is The Way Things Are
- now we're back on the right track

Only having been genuinely too sick to work about 5 days in nearly 20 years so having to fake an annual sickie or two just to give yourself a break
- I'm not sure what point you're making here
- think about the absolute pisstake others used to operate and when you had to cover for them

Having my personal Google drive clogged up with work documents
- an irritation, you have about 10 accounts, your fault for using the wrong one

*You* have my phone number. Why do *you* have my phone number and why are *you* using it now?
- let the record show that I did write this but can no longer remember what it refers to

Not being able to relax out of working hours when one of your areas has an event happening and knowing you could be texted about it on the off-chance you can fix something
- always 'on', need to be 'off'.
- but don't you get a kick out of being 'on', you said
- you never felt so alive some of those nights

Bosses assuming you'll be happy and willing to work out of hours on any of these numerous 'events' throughout the year
- yeah, yeah what about that, remember ------------------------!

Oh I see the boss was obviously awake at 6am and has something urgent to communicate via email
- the French wouldn't stand for it, why should I when you can't switch off?

The assumption you'll be happy to carry your laptop (plus cable and mouse just in case) from office to home and back again because you have more than one work location
- could come off a bit 'precious', best not to mention it

Politely joining in conversations about people's cats / babies
- see my previous point about the social contract, there's no future in this line or argument
- aka you're just a bit of a spazz
- can't say that
- i know

The overwhelming urge for a short nap at some point during the day
- you used to find a place to do that anyway you elite shirker

Losing the will to live and resolving to leave London every morning when you see how packed the tubes are
- this is, to be fair, a poignant point which must be regarded as crucial evidence

Losing the will to live and really this time deciding to leave London every evening when you see how packed the tubes are
- see my previous comments

Delays, sudden station closures (I don't mind a strike, you know where you are with a strike) and countless other familiar complaints about commuting
- again, this is the same point as already stated

Thinking you're the luckiest person in London because you got a seat in the morning for the first time in a year
- no further comment

I AM TOTALLY AWARE OF HOW ALL OF THIS SOUNDS

Falling asleep on the way home and never quite recovering for the rest of the evening
- are you trying to say "It's like you're always stuck in second gear,
well, it hasn't been your day your week your month or even your year."
- how dare you

Admitting you’re struggling to cope and being recommended some 'useful online resources'
- hello I'm actually losing my mind here!!!

Being at least 20 years older than any new starters
- pretty sad, let's wind this up now it's getting pathetic

Alternative title: I had a simple, well-paid job and I still resigned
- I did it, I did it

Redirected mail

Please state your current location:
The House of Contempt, HC5

Now state your new location:
Bouvet Island, BV9

3, 6 or 12 months from just £39.50

Please send all correspondence to the
uninhabited subantarctic
protected nature reserve listed above
and may God have mercy upon your sails

Call it CipherChasing

I knew I should never have gone
back to work after a two-year layoff
stroke absence some say breakdown completely incorrectly
if not libelly libellously... WRONG

But now they've seen my new instagram (ig)
account which I launched in the interim
the fermata if you preferata
under my own name, note to self never launch anything
never publish anything never do anything
under your so-called own name

And now your private game slash hobby
which is actually not a secret
and is not let me be clear rude or illegal
is now public knowledge, but
they don't get it the squares the norms

And now they ask me, they stop me
by the photocopier and ask me
what's all this about ChronoTinkering?
did I get that right is it CosmoFiddling?
say it's good to have you back buddy
good to have you back in the family

I'm also reunited with the office wife
where did you go to rabbit-faced Joe?
but I wonder if it's worth it as
I can hear the whispers about the greasy old nutso (me)
who fiddles in the bushes after dark

And it's actually nothing like that
and I expect I will die upon that hill
I will be buried beneath that hill
surrounded by pitchfork chuds and
not a goddam one of you will get it
and you're gonna get it

Very complex assassin

our first grey tribe shooter
grindset bookshelf
True Sigma Male
we shouldnt try to emulate these podcastbros
    a neomonarchist berniecrat?
    as in the weird techno ancaps?
supports nuclear power and animal lib
the Fridman/Ferriss/Huberman slop is mainstream stuff
grifter garbage Musk fluffers
    petit bourgeois crank
    Dark Brotherhood NPC behavior
ipad Gen-Z addicted to the podcast bro algorithm
    Zootopia technocrat
    radically red pilled
        fertility concern troller
        gym rat tech bro
        guy can definitely cook
        man read systemantics
    stans of Ted Kaczynski
    peter thiel supporting chud
roided out gym rat supplement pilled chaser Trotskyite
totally fried by ayahuasca
anarcho-capitalist "Bronze Age Pervert"
doesn't exactly count as a Gramscian organic intellectual
        a certified midwit
        a substack enjoyer
        a midwit rambler
        a liberal driller
        a radical centrist academic
        median swing voter
        Total MAGA
        boogaloo libertarian
he legit just has basic ass co-worker politics
complex interaction with the manosphere/traditionalist capitalism
still in the credulous schoolboy phase
he's a third positionist/fascist
Greytribe Buff Accelerationist
a trump-humper, w/o no doubt
RW Tech Bro lmao
literally autistic and was stimming
like a twitter create-a-guy

Shamblin' man

Some of you stay in your postcodes with the curtains drawn
Some of us are uneasy in our skin
We like to keep on the move
We are the shambling men

Chicago
Vilnius
Salamanca
Dalat

Skiathos
Zandvoort
Kuching
Folkestone

São Paolo
Paisley
St Petersburg
Montreal

Kovalam
Camden Town
Bruges
Ko Lanta

Ljubljana
Dublin
Valletta
Manly

Aberystwyth
Singapore
Iceland
Tunbridge Wells

Bangkok
Chorley
Madeira
Alnwick

Gibraltar
Isleworth
Cambodia
Sarajevo

Houston
Ebbw Vale
Sidi Bou Said
Haslingfield

Oaxaca
Placencia
Kuala Lumpur
Exeter

Estonia
Plymouth
Èze
Margate

Arlington
Plovdiv
Peterborough
Erith

Antibes
Regensburg
Eynsford
Dubrovnik

Dubai
Bilbao
Sigiriya
Orpington

Karlštejn
Luang Prabang
West Kirby
San Gimignano

Kemer
Guatemala
Chattanooga
Beckenham

Helsinki
Salzburg
Mountweazel

And I am a shamblin' man

Two dates dad

 - so, you like the West girl
:: yesss

- well you know I'm good friends with her father, Simon
:: Simon's great, they're a nice family

- yes, they are, but you know they...
:: yes?

- well, I think she's not quite right for you
:: I like her, she's funny

- nice girl, funny girl yes, good fun I expect, but you know, we're not like them
:: are we not, how?

- Simon, how can I say, well
:: it's not serious you know, we're just-

- I don't want to to stop you from seeing her
:: you can't. we're just friends. like you and Simon

- please don't take that attitude
:: I like her, we're just having fun

- fun? well you want to be careful there
:: don't we all want some fun

Parallel play leaks

I'm sorry I couldn't help you locate the box under a log
since I was the last person to visit
maybe not that log, a different one
in a park in the dark 13 miles away

I'm sorry you don't want me to be with you tonight
there are very good reasons we are sure
still the xxxchanges are encouraging
and our legend survives another day

I'm sorry you didn't understand about
the second drop, and felt you needed
to confirm it was a rogue snail
not mere pocket litter

We are all spies in this murky
house of suspicion and
meanwhile, there is the ongoing and
urgent situation in Minsk

Too precious to live

    I keep moving seats
elbows buddy elbows
    I keep moving seats
sir, do you have headphones some say earbuds?
it would appear not
    I keep moving seats
geezer's hoicking up a lung
    I keep moving seats
now we have a nutscratcher
with hairy legs akimbo
    I keep moving seats
maybe I should find this child charming but
he's doing my crust in poking my leg
    I keep moving seats
yes I enjoy listening to the sounds
of the bingo video game or like
whatever the fuck do you mind
    I keep moving seats

DeCeMbeR sTaTe 2024

(i)

Kim Kardashian is accused of copying Kanye West's wife Bianca Censori as she rocks balaclava and thong

    Why so many women are binge drinkers without even knowing it

        Ellen DeGeneres accused of 'infesting the Cotswolds' by Donald Trump ally

            I'm in a sexless marriage and can't remember the last time we made love. It's taboo to admit but I'm happy about it

                Janelle Monae shows off her incredible bikini body

Make this the first year your narcissist parents DON'T ruin Christmas!

    'Misogynistic, thoughtless and ancient': Ulrika Jonsson blasts Gregg Wallace

       Gwyneth Paltrow's daughter Apple Martin, 20, is accused of having a 'mean girl moment' at Paris debutante ball

            Priyanka Chopra steps out in a very leggy look

                Jodie Turner-Smith commands attention in plunging beaded gown with her hair in quirky bunches

(ii)

You won't want to miss this:

so-crazy-that-it-must-be-true crime caper

riveting docudrama which delves into the rivalry between Michelangelo, Leonardo and Raphael

there are appealing domestic scenes as Jacob learns slang and poo jokes from his six children

it captures all the jubilant anarchy of one of the world's greatest sports

glossy and gun-packed festive spy thriller

there's plenty of exposition to get through but its just about worth it

follows a gang of kids bored of their humdrum existence on the only safe world in the galaxy

and it features new music from Suffolk's finest, Ed Sheeran

(iii)

I was bitten by a spider – and nearly lost my leg
I was shot, and the bullet is still inside me
I gave birth at a Metallica concert
I died at a Cure concert
I've been to every country in the world
I was attacked by a wild boar while surfing
I do hair and makeup for the dead
I bake recipes I find on gravestones
I'm an 81-year-old crash‑test dummy
My dying wife found me a girlfriend
I graduated from art school at the age of 90
I woke up with a Welsh accent
We've visited more than 1,000 crazy golf courses
I'm 70 years old – and climb a mountain every day
A leech lived up my nose for a month
A tick gave birth in my ear
I was driving across a bridge when it collapsed
I survived a plane crash without a scratch
My sunglasses took my eye out
I didn't burp for more than 20 years
I've been on 25 TV gameshows
I went on 100 dates in a day
I've tried 50,000 beers
I'm Britain's 'dullest woman'
I play piano for rescued elephants
I'm a full-time Henry VIII impersonator
I own nearly 3,000 VHS tapes of Titanic
I invented the lickable TV
I can only paint in my sleep
I collect other people's old shopping lists
I run an online support group for people called Trevor
My football team lost 51-0
I was attacked by a bear while running a marathon
I was attacked by a snake and a hawk at the same time
My boyfriend lives with my husband
I'm a world champion pea thrower
I'm the toe-wrestling world champion
I'm a world champion stone skimmer
I've walked around London barefoot for a year
I ate a $120,000 banana
I opened the world's largest penis museum
I have the biggest mouth in the world
I have to spend my life lying horizontally
I let a baby bird nest in my hair for 84 days
I have collected more than 8,000 teapots
I got married underwater
I ate 40 rotisserie chickens in 40 days
I've eaten pizza every day for six years
I punctured my lung by eating cereal
My baby came out of my womb twice
I saved an elephant from drowning
I rescued a camel from quicksand

(iv)

Hunter's Moon brings people together in awe
'Incredibly rare' pygmy hippo born in Edinburgh
The eight-year-old who hands out goody bags to emergency services
Huge jumper keeps truck warm
'We've met up for a pint every month for 64 years'
Man's best friend is actually a duck, called Dog
Residents give 'fantastic' retiring postie £1,500
The babbling Scouse baby
Twin brothers clean up places no-one else will
Man eats mum's 22-year-old mince pie to celebrate Christmas

Lost diamond ring found almost 100 miles away
Girl, 3, lives her dream of becoming a firefighter
Wiltshire great-grandmother knits a wedding dress
Orkney island shop orders more Easter eggs than population
Boy, 10, wins photography prize with rock star squirrel
Farmer proposes by mowing 'marry me' into field
Retired shopkeeper becomes TikTok sensation
From Britain's 'ugliest' dog to Hollywood star
Grumpy gran aged 76 is global Fortnite gaming sensation
'Seagull Boy', nine, wins European screeching competition

(v)

Beige Flag - Side Quest - Sigma - Bussin
Mid - Skibidi - Delulu - Rizz
Vibing - Pander - Polarization - Brain Rot
Demure - Brat - Era - Situationship
Manifest - Simp - Romantasy - Lore
Dynamic Pricing - Slop - Rawdogging - Colesworth
Looksmaxxing - Supermajority - Fortnight - Yapping
Extreme weather - Anti-tourism - Resilience - Resonate
Allision - Weird - Enshittification - 金

147

🔴⚫
🔴⚫
🔴⚫
🔴⚫
🔴⚫
🔴⚫
🔴⚫
🔴⚫
🔴⚫
🔴⚫
🔴⚫
🔴⚫
🔴⚫
🔴⚫
🔴⚫

🟡 🟢 🟤 🔵 🟣 ⚫


Note: the lack of a proper pink ball emoji spoilt this quite honestly brilliant idea

🅰🎵🎵🅰 🅱👢⛎〽️🎗

⚽  🍸⚽⛎,  🅱🎗👢⚽✅🎗🌛  ⚽🎏  〽️🍸  🌴🔱🎗🎵🌴🍸-💲🎗✅🎗🎵  💲🎗🎵💲🎗💲,  🎐

👢⚽✅🎗  🍸⚽⛎🌱!

🍸⚽⛎  🍸⚽⛎🌱  🌴♓🎗🎗  🌴♓🎐🎵🎗,  🎐  🍸⚽⛎🌱,  🍸⚽⛎  〽️🎐🎵🎗.  --  🔱🎗?

🌴♓🎐💲  (🅱🍸  🌴♓🎗  🔱🅰🍸)  🎐💲  🅱🎗💲🎐🌛🎗  🌴♓🎗  🅿️⚽🎐🎵🌴.

🔱♓⚽  🅰🌱🎗  🍸⚽⛎,  ⛎🎵🌜⚽⛎🎵🌴🎗🌛  🔱⚽〽️🅰🎵?  🍸⚽⛎  🅰🌱🎗

--  🅰🌱🎗  🍸⚽⛎?  🅿️🎗⚽🅿️👢🎗  💲🅰🍸  🍸⚽⛎  🅰🌱🎗,  --  👢🎗🌴

🌴♓🎗〽️  💲🅰🍸  🎐🌴,  🌴♓🎗🍸  🌛⚽🎵'🌴  🎋🎵⚽🔱  ♓⚽🔱  🎐🌴  💲🌴🅰🎵🌛💲  🔱🎐🌴♓  ⛎💲.

🍸⚽⛎  🔱🎗🅰🌱  🍸⚽⛎🌱  ♓🎗🅰🌛  ⚽🎵  🍸⚽⛎🌱  🎏🎗🎗🌴  🅰🎵🌛  🔱🅰👢🎋  🅰🅱⚽⛎🌴

⚽🎵  🍸⚽⛎🌱  ♓🅰🎵🌛💲,  ⚽🎵  🍸⚽⛎🌱  ♓🅰🎵🌛💲  🍸⚽⛎  🔱🅰👢🎋.

♓🅰👢👢⚽⚽  🍸⚽⛎🌱  🌱🎗🌛  🌛🌱🎗💲💲,  💲👢🎐🌜🎗🌛  🎐🎵  🔱♓🎐🌴🎗  🅿️👢🎗🅰🌴💲.

🌱🎗🌛  🎐  👢⚽✅🎗  🅰🎵🎵🅰  🅱👢⛎〽️🎗,  🌱🎗🌛  🎐  👢⚽✅🎗  🍸⚽⛎🌱!  --  🍸⚽⛎

🍸⚽⛎🌱  🌴♓🎗🎗  🌴♓🎐🎵🎗,  🎐  🍸⚽⛎🌱,  🍸⚽⛎  〽️🎐🎵🎗.  --  🔱🎗?

🌴♓🎐💲  🅱🎗👢⚽🎵🌀💲  (🅱🍸  🌴♓🎗  🔱🅰🍸)  ⚽⛎🌴  🎐🎵  🌴♓🎗  🌜⚽👢🌛.

🌱🎗🌛  🅱👢⚽⚽〽️,  🌱🎗🌛  🅰🎵🎵🅰  🅱👢⛎〽️🎗,  🔱♓🅰🌴  🌛⚽  🅿️🎗⚽🅿️👢🎗  💲🅰🍸?

🅿️🌱🎐💤🎗  🍳⛎🎗💲🌴🎐⚽🎵:  1.  🅰🎵🎵🅰  🅱👢⛎〽️🎗  ♓🅰💲  🅰  💲🌜🌱🎗🔱  👢⚽⚽💲🎗.

                                              2.  🅰🎵🎵🅰  🅱👢⛎〽️🎗  🎐💲  🌱🎗🌛.

                                              3.  🔱♓🅰🌴  🌜⚽👢⚽🌱  🎐💲  🌴♓🎗  💲🌜🌱🎗🔱?

🅱👢⛎🎗  🎐💲  🌴♓🎗  🌜⚽👢⚽⛎🌱  ⚽🎏  🍸⚽⛎🌱  🍸🎗👢👢⚽🔱  ♓🅰🎐🌱.

🌱🎗🌛  🎐💲  🌴♓🎗  🌴♓🌱🎗🅰🌛  ⚽🎏  🍸⚽⛎🌱  🌀🌱🎗🎗🎵  💲🌜🌱🎗🔱.

🍸⚽⛎  💲🎐〽️🅿️👢🎗  🌀🎐🌱👢  🎐🎵  💲🎐〽️🅿️👢🎗  🌛🌱🎗💲💲,  🍸⚽⛎  🌛🎗🅰🌱

🌀🌱🎗🎗🎵  🅰🎵🎐〽️🅰👢.  🎐  👢⚽✅🎗  🍸⚽⛎🌱!  🍸⚽⛎  🍸⚽⛎🌱  🌴♓🎗🎗  🌴♓🎐🎵🎗,  🎐

🍸⚽⛎🌱,  🍸⚽⛎  〽️🎐🎵🎗.  --  🔱🎗?

🌴♓🎐💲  🅱🎗👢⚽🎵🌀💲  (🅱🍸  🌴♓🎗  🔱🅰🍸)  🎐🎵  🌴♓🎗  🅰💲♓🌜🅰🎵.

🅰🎵🎵🅰  🅱👢⛎〽️🎗!  🅰🎵🎵🅰,  🅰-🎵-🎵-🅰,  🎐  🌴🌱🎐🌜🎋👢🎗  🍸⚽⛎🌱

🎵🅰〽️🎗.  🍸⚽⛎🌱  🎵🅰〽️🎗  🌛🌱🎐🅿️💲  👢🎐🎋🎗  💲⚽🎏🌴  🌴🅰👢👢⚽🔱.

🌛⚽  🍸⚽⛎  🎋🎵⚽🔱  🎐🌴,  🅰🎵🎵🅰,  🌛⚽  🍸⚽⛎  🎋🎵⚽🔱  🅰👢🌱🎗🅰🌛🍸?

🍸⚽⛎  🌜🅰🎵  🅱🎗  🌱🎗🅰🌛  🎏🌱⚽〽️  🅱🎗♓🎐🎵🌛,  🅰🎵🌛  🍸⚽⛎,  🍸⚽⛎

👢⚽✅🎗👢🎐🎗💲🌴  ⚽🎏  🅰👢👢,  🍸⚽⛎  🅰🌱🎗  🎏🌱⚽〽️  🅱🎗♓🎐🎵🌛  🅰💲  🍸⚽⛎  🅰🌱🎗

🎏🌱⚽〽️  🌴♓🎗  🎏🌱⚽🎵🌴:  "🅰-🎵-🎵-🅰."

🌴🅰👢👢⚽🔱  🌴🌱🎐🌜🎋👢🎗💲  💲⚽🎏🌴👢🍸  ⚽✅🎗🌱  〽️🍸  🅱🅰🌜🎋.

🅰🎵🎵🅰  🅱👢⛎〽️🎗,  🍸⚽⛎  🌴🌱🎐🌜🎋👢🎗  🅱🎗🅰💲🌴,  🎐  👢⚽✅🎗  🍸⚽⛎🌱!

J̴a̴r̴v̴a̴r̴i̴o̴u̴s̴ ̴H̴a̴r̴d̴i̴n̴g̴ ̴w̴o̴u̴l̴d̴ ̴l̴i̴k̴e̴ ̴t̴o̴ ̴v̴i̴e̴w̴ ̴y̴o̴u̴r̴ ̴c̴a̴l̴e̴n̴d̴a̴r̴

S̴t̴e̴p̴ ̴i̴n̴t̴o̴ ̴y̴o̴u̴r̴ ̴c̴r̴e̴a̴t̴i̴v̴i̴t̴y̴ ̴b̴o̴l̴d̴l̴y̴!
W̴e̴'r̴e̴ ̴l̴a̴u̴n̴c̴h̴i̴n̴g̴ ̴a̴n̴ ̴e̴x̴c̴i̴t̴i̴n̴g̴ ̴g̴i̴v̴e̴a̴w̴a̴y̴ ̴t̴h̴a̴t̴ ̴s̴h̴i̴n̴e̴s̴
a̴ ̴s̴p̴o̴t̴l̴i̴g̴h̴t̴ ̴o̴n̴ ̴s̴e̴l̴f̴-e̴x̴p̴r̴e̴s̴s̴i̴o̴n̴ ̴a̴n̴d̴ ̴i̴m̴a̴g̴i̴n̴a̴t̴i̴o̴n̴!
T̴h̴i̴s̴ ̴g̴i̴v̴e̴a̴w̴a̴y̴ ̴i̴s̴ ̴d̴e̴s̴i̴g̴n̴e̴d̴ ̴f̴o̴r̴ ̴t̴h̴e̴ ̴d̴r̴e̴a̴m̴e̴r̴s̴—a̴r̴t̴i̴s̴t̴s̴,
m̴u̴s̴i̴c̴i̴a̴n̴s̴, ̴a̴n̴d̴ ̴w̴r̴i̴t̴e̴r̴s̴ ̴w̴h̴o̴ ̴b̴r̴i̴n̴g̴ ̴i̴m̴a̴g̴i̴n̴a̴t̴i̴o̴n̴ ̴t̴o̴ ̴l̴i̴f̴e̴!
C̴r̴e̴a̴t̴i̴v̴e̴ ̴g̴o̴o̴d̴i̴e̴s̴ ̴a̴r̴e̴ ̴o̴n̴ ̴t̴h̴e̴ ̴l̴i̴n̴e̴, ̴a̴n̴d̴ ̴e̴n̴t̴e̴r̴i̴n̴g̴ ̴f̴o̴r̴ ̴y̴o̴u̴r̴
c̴h̴a̴n̴c̴e̴ ̴t̴o̴ ̴s̴n̴a̴g̴ ̴t̴h̴e̴m̴ ̴i̴s̴ ̴a̴ ̴w̴a̴l̴k̴ ̴i̴n̴ ̴t̴h̴e̴ ̴p̴a̴r̴k̴! ̴
Y̴o̴u̴r̴ ̴s̴a̴f̴e̴t̴y̴ ̴a̴n̴d̴ ̴p̴r̴i̴v̴a̴c̴y̴ ̴a̴r̴e̴ ̴o̴u̴r̴ ̴t̴o̴p̴ ̴c̴o̴n̴c̴e̴r̴n̴s̴!

T̴i̴c̴k̴-t̴o̴c̴k̴! ̴T̴h̴e̴ ̴c̴l̴o̴c̴k̴ ̴i̴s̴ ̴t̴i̴c̴k̴i̴n̴g̴, ̴a̴n̴d̴ ̴y̴o̴u̴ ̴h̴a̴v̴e̴
j̴u̴s̴t̴ ̴2̴4̴ ̴h̴o̴u̴r̴s̴ ̴t̴o̴ ̴j̴o̴i̴n̴! ̴S̴a̴f̴e̴t̴y̴ ̴f̴i̴r̴s̴t̴!
Y̴o̴u̴r̴ ̴t̴r̴a̴n̴s̴a̴c̴t̴i̴o̴n̴s̴ ̴a̴r̴e̴ ̴u̴n̴d̴e̴r̴ ̴l̴o̴c̴k̴ ̴a̴n̴d̴ ̴k̴e̴y̴,
s̴o̴ ̴y̴o̴u̴ ̴c̴a̴n̴ ̴d̴i̴v̴e̴ ̴i̴n̴ ̴w̴i̴t̴h̴o̴u̴t̴ ̴a̴ ̴c̴a̴r̴e̴!

K-holes, 25 years apart

I visited the toilets at Stevenage railway station on the morning of
[checks] the Electric Woodlands festival
    I had my own perfectly normal agenda
    and you can fuck right off if you're thinking it
    was rude or illegal. Anyway the point is, in the next cubicle
I heard a young fellow say to his friend -

"Mate I can't feel my legs, they've gone all numb I can't get up"

"You're so fucked. What do you think it is"

"I think it's all that ketamine I took this morning"

"Right yeah, that'll do it. You're so fucked"

"I think I'll be all right if you can sort me though yeah"

"The coke's for later though yeah"

"Yeah but I can't stand up right now"

What a day that was
I broke my steps record

* * * * * 

I had one of those early morning phone calls
and was ready to leave the house
when she appeared at the door, her eyes
a million black holes

"Am I home now, is it you?

"You're home. Yes it's me. You don't look great"

"I think it's all that ketamine I took last night"

"Last night was a long time ago, it's 6am now"

"Yes yes. But you never need to worry about me"

"You can take care of yourself"

"I can take care of yourself. Don't know how I got back"

"Right, well I've got to go home now"

"So soon, so early. What happened"

What a day that was
I don't know how to end this one